I'd be interested in people's thoughts on desire. Is it actually possible for this to be rekindled in someone who had it -- at least some number of years in the past? Or is all of this already fatal? My W seems to have determined that there are only two possible paths: (1) stay married and be unattracted and unhappy, or (2) divorce and possibly be happy.
You probably know what I will say, but I'm going to say it anyway. Your best friend may not have developed feelings for your W, and there is a slim chance she was not in an EA with him. The excuse he gave you about the secrecy seems a little weak, but that's just me. Anyway, if your W has had an EA or even IA (imaginary affair), it pushes out the feelings of desire for you.
When a WW has held resentment in her heart for years, and she has lost respect for her H........then her level of desire has been affected before OM ever comes on the scene. Those destructive feelings toward her H, leaves her vulnerable to some type of an A. However, it doesn't mean she will have one.
With that in mind, you can see how she has to turn lose of the resentment, start respecting her H, and of course.....if there is any type of A, it has to end.
The desire can return. You know your W better than anyone else. Is she the type of woman who refuses to let go of past resentments? Will she put you in the position of striving to be good enough to deserve her? Will you always be adjusting your life in order to accommodate her, as she continues to hunt for her happiness?
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The hope has to be that the loss of attraction is driven by some as-of-yet unresolved hurt, anger, loss of respect, doesn't it? Because those in theory could be healed, forgiven, etc. But if it's just biological or a matter of "chemistry", how would it ever come back?
I believe her mental attitude and how she applies herself to the MR will affect her attraction. Sure, women are affected by what they see physically in the H, but the physical beauty fades. The chemistry has to come from a deeper place than just skin deep. If it was strictly biological, there would be no married elderly couples.
It is not easy for the H of a WW! He has to have her respect, and if she is unwilling to do her inner work to get the MR on track.....then there's just so much the H can do on his end. He can insist on her show of respect for him......and he can enforce boundaries, but he can't force her to feel something in her heart.
I don't know if you have thought about this, but it's like the H and his WW are in two separate time frames. (Maybe that's not the best way to describe it). You are wanting the two to become one. There is a process she needs to go through, in order for her to blend with you. And your part is standing your ground on what is right, based on your values, integrity, etc. You know she doesn't respect you and she takes advantage of your good nature,...... and don't forget your NGS accommodating her to keep her happy. She basically rules, and the result is she is miserable b/c her M did not make her happy!
You can determine what you can do to change those dynamics. It won't happen through sitting down and having a heart to heart discussion. Once she is willing to actually put effort into saving her M......then a therapist that's worth his salt, needs to give guidance for the two of you to follow in piecing the M back together. In the meantime, there is that day to day of standing your ground and not putting up with her b.s. The space between the two time frames is uncomfortable b/c you find yourself constantly enforcing boundaries that she doesn't like. It's when you begin commanding respect in your own home, and applying consequences if ignored......and she doesn't like it. It's you not being subservient, period! It's a time that you cannot have expectations for her feelings to change for the better. It's a time she is going to be her worst. It's a time of pressure and testing for you. It's a time you cannot show fear. It's a time you may have to let go. It's a time that two separate wills are in a power struggle. In the past, she always had her way.....regardless. She will not give that up easily. She does not see M as a team. She says she wants equality, but she doesn't. She wants to be in a higher position, and give you the jobs she doesn't like, that doesn't build her self-esteem and make her happy.
Changing the dynamics may not prove to help your stitch, however, continuing with the same old NGS is not working. She is not going to admire or be attracted to a man with NGS.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
