Phase 2 contd.

[ciluzen]

Its funny how much we finally see as we create a little distance from our S. All those little (and sometimes big) things that bothered us, so we buried them because its not nice to nag at someone you love. My H had some habits that irritated me and in some cases turned my stomach, but aside from making a face, I let it go without comment. I had commented in the past, but it was ignored so I learned not to bother. I now have no idea how I put up with that. It was almost like he was trying to put me off.

Just like you, there were things he asked me to do or things I did that I never did right in his eyes. Like drive his boat. I didn't grow up around boats so I never got completely comfortable doing it. But he "trained" me to drive his boat and pull him skiing when we lived on a lake...every day. And I always did something not right. So , as soon as I had someone else who could drive him, (I opened the door for this...it was Bubbles when my D25 wasn't around) I quit. Same with skiing. Now I've begun to experiment with skiing to see if I liked it when there was no pressure and I've discovered I do like it and have progressed more than in all the years that I skied with him.

I think looking back does serve a purpose. It is a way of learning from past behavior so that we can grow and move forward. I know in my case, it is helping me to see how I lost my individual self and how I went from an independent fairly happy young person to a codependent older lady who couldn't even answer the question, "what do you want to do?". I will not let my love of someone cause me to lose sight of who I am again.

I'm happy that you've worked through that for most of the year, but I feel personally (I can only speak for myself) that it really is going to have to be an ongoing thing. Practice makes perfect. I'll have to look back to keep my forward momentum because old habits are comfortable when we get lazy, and die very slow, hard deaths.

As for unconditional love? I don't believe in it anymore. Its like Santa Claus and the tooth Fairy. There have to be conditions, aka "boundaries". I can love someone, but since I've learned I can't really control anyone but myself, I have to have certain conditions now. Certain lines I will not allow someone to cross. I guess I'm in self protection mode, but I can't see how losing myself in love will ever be desireable again.