Sweet Cherry,
You're one of the very few DBers that will draw me out from my self-imposed exile.

I am a nerd. I am one of those who trawled through this website earnestly in the name of research and for a flicker of hope. I have read more than a handful (can't remember but it may be two handfuls or more? And yes, I have 10 fingers)

So I have this to say. I have read of dbers who succeeded and who chronicled almost every single interaction with their spouses. They took the strategy of monitoring and doing what works very seriously. Many times it was very painful but they were hopeful. They knew their efforts could have been futile but they plowed through and succeeded nonetheless.

Then there are those who totally gave no thought to their spouses at all and also succeeded.

What are the common threads between the two groups? Both groups of dbers worked on themselves, kept their side of the street clean and managed to show their spouses their changes were sincere. They were also kick-ass strong and would have been able to survive without their spouses, although the latter group would be more obvious in terms of letting go of the rope.

I guess there are slightly different variations to successful dbing. And it's not always about NC or no NC.

Going dim is a strategy for protecting and rebuilding yourself. It doesn't have to be a permanent strategy.

Cherry, do what works for you. Work on yourself. You can notice the small positive changes but do not let your hopes get up. For the positive changes to be meaningful, there has to be an upward trend.

I hate to say this but at this point in time, you really must be prepared for the D to go through. There can be miracles but you have to start living like the D will/ has happened.

And then despite this, still be civil and cordial to your H. And keep doing what works. And when possible, and definitely not at your emotional, legal or financial expense, show your H compassion. Firm boundaries should still be in place.

My dear friend, it's a tough road and I feel for you and your little ones. It's not easy. I only have 1 kid and I am struggling.

You're a strong woman and you have so many kind souls rooting for you.

((((((Cherry))))))

You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.