Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

Cnut I see what are you are saying. I think that's what got me closer to that goal. But when she offered last Monday night and I just felt entitled after that. Like it should be happening then.
I am going to take that advice and put it to use.

Ginger, Thanks so much for chiming in. That's exactly what I felt after rereading the texts. I let it build up. I having been doing much better in that regard, but still working on it clearly.
Funny thing is that we really are in such a better place. I just need some sex! lol

[Coconut]

Cbtdad, I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to you, but i believe that your W may need to feel your closeness without feeling like it's going to upset you if it doesn't turn into sex. I'm going to post something below that was written by a very respected veteran when she was going through her sitch. I'm not going to mention who, but I hope the words from a woman's POV resonate.

"I always seem to have self-esteem problems. Not being intimate with my husband the past decade did not help at all with that issue. However, the thing I beat myself up over was the fact that I knew in my heart that if I had went to him (made the first move) to have sex, he would have done it. Why could I not do that? That was what I kept asking myself. If I really loved him, why could I not make a move toward him? Because I did not really want to have sex! There were times I needed the closeness, but I did not want the sex. So, I began to doubt my love for H."

Work on the bonding, take the pressure away and fill up her love tank with non-sexual intimacy.

[Ginger1]

I know you want and need sex and it's frustrating to you. I hear ya.

But you had mentioned in another post that you want her to initiate and you want to feel wanted. I'm afraid you can't have all of that in one shot:) Her way of initiating was saying "let's have drunk sex" That is what she is able to offer your right now.

Coconut is kind of right. I could not initiate sex with my exH. It was a huge complaint of his. I finally did figure out why I couldn't. besides criticizing me out of the bedroom all the time, which made me so nervous in the bedroom, I froze. But he did not fill up my love tank at all. I had told you it was all pressure and he drained my tank rather than fill it. I did for a while think it was just me and I had no sex drive. Post D relationships have shown me I most certainly do, and I have lost my fear of initiating.

I think you guys really are doing good and are getting close to having that intimacy. But you do set it back with these convos out of frustration. Not going to lie there. It drains her love tank a bit. Keep working on that non-sexual intimacy. I would even suggest much foreplay and no sex. It would show her you just want to be close to her and it would make her comfortable.

And also, remember if she says " come on, lets have drunk sex" That's her inititation!!!

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the responses. That's where I was getting to I believe, but I jumped the gun. My lack of patience got the better of me last week I think. I've been working on constantly filling her love tank, but as my IC and I disused it gets hard when my love tank isn't been filled. That's the where the frustration comes in. I know she is trying and I know things are heading in the right direction, but I also have concerns about the future as well. Such as foreplay. With her sex is just sex, sometime with her toy with the both of us. It's been 5 years since oral or any other foreplay. Wife claims she doesn't like kissing. We haven't made out since 2009 if I had to guess.
That is where my mind starts to drift. I start going to the place of can I be happy in the end without the intimacy that I am looking for in a relationship.
That's what I meant when I responded to her text that I am scared too.

[Coconut]

I hear what you are saying, it is something you really want and your not sure if she can give it to you. Just keep in mind that the perfect match doesn't exist, every relationship is going to lack something, the next person might be more sexually compatible, but be severely lacking in another area that you are presently satisfied with.

Just try not to focus too much on the things your not happy about, try and make sure your primary focus is on the things that you really are happy with.

I gotta tell you, after ginger pointed out the diffusing your W did during your text convo with her, I went back and reread it focusing on her words instead of yours, and wow. I really missed how much she really understood your mindset, validated you and provided suggestions that she thought would help you reset. It is unlikely that a future partner that hasn't gone through this kinda stuff would have the understanding that your W does on how to communicate effectively and make a M stronger.

[cbtdad]

Thanks Cnut. That is definitely what I need to hear and remind me that's why I want this M to work. I love my W. I want to be with her, I don't need her. We are so close in so many other ways than we use to be. I need to continue to remember that this is a marathon not a sprint

[RSG]

Thanks Cnut. That is definitely what I need to hear and remind me that's why I want this M to work. I love my W. I want to be with her, I don't need her. We are so close in so many other ways than we use to be. I need to continue to remember that this is a marathon not a sprint

I'm sorry I haven't chimed in! After Cnut's post, I reread your exchange from your W POV. She did so much there, it's a huge positive. It's amazing really. She wouldn't do that if you haven't been filling her tank. She recognized you were having a crummy day and basically gave you a pass, because you allow someone you love to blow off steam when they're stressed out. If you haven't already, tell her how much you appreciate that and make sure you say so in counseling as well. Does it feel as pleasurable as the woman you love taking care of your physical needs? No. It does show that there is a deep connection, and as that continues to be cultivated......you cut to the proverbial train in the tunnel.

Not to say I think you're approaching it from a lustful place, because it's quite obvious you want to be close to and with her. You want to make that connection. She knows that, but maybe you're just working too hard there. She's definitely coming around....

[cbtdad]

So W and I have been hanging out tonight
Been drinking a couple bottles of wine
Probably not a great thing
Earlier today W gave me password to her laptop because I needed to print something for a friend.
Unfortunately I caved in to my cravings of wanting to "know"
So I snooped
I came across a couple of things
First I came across her Facebook that was left open
Nothing crazy of definitive, but did come across a message between her and another guy where she calls him "darling"
The whole message made me kind of smirk because I seriously doubt she is sleeping with the guy or having an EA. But the fact that she is calling him "darling" goes right back to my problems with her not understanding boundaries.
The other thing I noticed was her web history
I looked at her Internet history and noticed something
She looked at the following porn back in the beginning of May: "crying sex" "ravaged sex" "destroyed porn" "savaged porn"
These were videos she masturbated to. I mean do I even know this woman.
I don't know where this came from. Did she have some encounter? Is this something from the past? Is this something in the present??
Is this something from her childhood?
So many things ran through my head
All my urges wanted to text her and say something
But I didn't do that
Anyways fast forward to the past hour and few drinks
W looking really good i send the following text:
cbtdad: Really
Sometimes I just wanna rip your shirt off
W: what
cbtdad: Idk
Sometimes I just wanna cuddle when I see you
Other times I wanna rip your shirt off and throw you down and dominate you
You are just sexy
W: Haha thanks. I have no problem you sleeping in the bed. I just don't want you to expect anything
cbtdad: I'm done expecting anything
I've begun to understand that
W: Ok

So I got the "ok" so I didn't respond
Like I've said that's my trigger

But clearly I texted what I did based on what i saw
I am just sitting here wondering what I am doing
Wondering how long before i get hurt
Wondering why I continue to give everything I have to this woman
I am at a point that I'm learning patience but learning that I am a badass individual who doesn't need to continue to stress over the "what ifs"

[Rose888]

Sexual fantasies don't have to be the result of anything that actually happened to a person. In fact, sometimes it would be impossible for it to have happened. Tentacle porn, for example.

And just because she watched some videos (how do you know she masterbated to them?) doesn't mean she wants actual sex like that.

[Coconut]

haha, I love it, it was a noble attempt cbt.. but just like everything else, see what works and keep doing that. It doesn't appear that suggesting you want to dominate her makes the "it works list", so file it away.

I definitely see where you were coming from, for guys I think the opportunity to act out porn scenes could be a turn on, but I don't know that woman see it the same way. Also, I've seen some stuff that wouldn't turn me on in real life, so it may have just been something she came across.

May be something you can discuss in the future, when things are better (fantasies, etc), but I would let that be for now.

As for referring to someone as "darling", do you know who the person is? If that was the only thing said, I don't think it means too much in the bigger picture, but I do understand how/why it would bother you.

I think dear, darling, hun, are used pretty casually when talking to others of the opposite sex, I don't agree with it (and have been uncomfortable when others refer to me that way), but it does seem to be pretty common.