Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Eric,
I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about your post so I am going to try to answer it the best I can.

I think the key is “handle it”. I would word it a bit differently. I would say….as long as he “does not read into it”.

Thats the key and right now I think I am doing a good job at not reading into it, but its a battle I fight everyday.

I could not agree more. Having caught up on this thread….I believe that Eagle is too AFRAID right now to even think about boundaries. IMO, first he must face his fear and find Eagle. Find who Eagle really is, fix the chit about himself that Eagle needs to fix and right now….FEAR has him by the balls.

You are correct that I am too afraid. I will admit that I am scared that I will make the wrong move and I question myself everyday if I am doing this right. I wrestle everyday with the thought of telling her that I don't want to be around while she is texting OM. I have thought so much about confronting the OM. I have thought about telling the OM's wife. In the end I have always just decided to play the doormat and be there for her. I have often wondered (I know I should not try to get in her mind) if she actually wants me to speak up and be strong and tell her I will not live like this, but I am just so unsure on what to do.

I really think you need to face the fear that your W right now is batchit crazy and much like a teenager will want, want, want. The crumbs that she are leaving you are giving you hope, which on one had is a good thing on the other is a bad one. You see, I believe that in your case (2 OM in the picture), you need to start really focusing on YOU – once and for all. J3B is right in that every interaction that you have with your W should be taken as an opportunity to showcase the new you. The only problem that I see, is that you view these interactive very differently than she does. I suspect that you want the M fixed NOW – whereas she really can take her time. She is in no rush.

I don't know if I necessarily want the M fixed now, but I do want these OM gone now. I know this M will not be fixed overnight and that it would be a long road, but I also know we can't fix it if the OM are in the picture still. I guess I wake up everyday and just hope something will happen that will cause these OM to leave the picture. My therapist told me I can't win against these OM because they are just fantasies for her and I am the reality. I just need them gone, but I figure there is nothing I can do about that.

I need to work on myself and it is so hard when most of my day is spent worrying about my marriage. I wish I could just go away for a few days and just do something else, but with my role in the kids lives that is impossible.

So ask yourself the question……..

Are ALL of the changes that you have made really for YOU or are some of them for HER?

I honestly think most of the changes I've made are for me. I am honest with myself and I think the chances of our M getting back together are slim, but I wasn't happy with myself and I need to change. Also, if the M doesn't work out I know at some point I will find another relationship and I have to work on myself to make that one successful. I don't think I have been truly happy, but I don't really blame my W or the M. I just think I have things I need to work on. Things that I haven't really thought about in a long time that I need to address. I need to start talking about these with my therapist.

Is being a fixer to your W working for you? Is it achieving the goals that you have – for YOU?

That is the big question. I need to find some goals for me. I really need to focus on me and forget about her.

Stop being afraid Eagle! It is a CHOICE that YOU can make. Much like J3B and yourself admitted i.e. the monsters in your head. The fear you have of what would happen if...... are also just monsters in YOUR head. Face those f*ckers and trust me....what you find inside yourself, about yourself....will be the best thing you do for YOU, your kids and believe it or not....YOUR W (regardless of the outcome).

This part of your post got me emotional. I have to stop being scared. To be honest I don't even know how much I want my W back, maybe I'm just scared of losing her if that makes sense. I love her, but she has hurt me like no one else has and I've basically let her. Everyday that she texts those guys she is hurting me and it really pisses me off. I don't even feel like a man at times around her. She is in so much control. I'm letting her control this whole situation.

List ONE thing that you have always wanted to do but never did. This one thing should be achievable (not something like I want to purchase the Empire State Building in NYC and paint it Pink)….something doable, then….tell me how you plan to achieve it and WHEN you plan to achieve…it should be something that you can do in the NEXT two weeks. Yep…2 weeks buddy.

I'm not sure if this is what your looking for but I have been wanting to spend the day hiking. We have a lot of great places to hike around here but I haven't been hiking in probably 20 years. A couple of weeks ago I really thought about going one weekend, but I changed my mind at the last minute. Its not really a goal or a dream, but its something I want to do for me. Something I want to try. A way to get away from all this stress and just be outdoors. It's also something that would be out of my comfort zone because I am not really an outdoors guy.

Eric in your scenario you posted I definitely want to be the first guy, but my life has turned into the 2nd guy. I don't know what happened over the years but I am that 2nd guy now.



I also want to say thank you for your post. You made me think like no one else has. It was hard going through the post because I started to realize how much I don't like about myself right now, but I appreciate it. I wish I had you on speed dial for when I'm feeling down because I know you could straighten me out. Your post has me thinking about life outside of marriage and that I need to find myself. I need to make changes for me. Now I just need to figure out how to do this.