Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

So W and I have been hanging out tonight
Been drinking a couple bottles of wine
Probably not a great thing
Earlier today W gave me password to her laptop because I needed to print something for a friend.
Unfortunately I caved in to my cravings of wanting to "know"
So I snooped
I came across a couple of things
First I came across her Facebook that was left open
Nothing crazy of definitive, but did come across a message between her and another guy where she calls him "darling"
The whole message made me kind of smirk because I seriously doubt she is sleeping with the guy or having an EA. But the fact that she is calling him "darling" goes right back to my problems with her not understanding boundaries.
The other thing I noticed was her web history
I looked at her Internet history and noticed something
She looked at the following porn back in the beginning of May: "crying sex" "ravaged sex" "destroyed porn" "savaged porn"
These were videos she masturbated to. I mean do I even know this woman.
I don't know where this came from. Did she have some encounter? Is this something from the past? Is this something in the present??
Is this something from her childhood?
So many things ran through my head
All my urges wanted to text her and say something
But I didn't do that
Anyways fast forward to the past hour and few drinks
W looking really good i send the following text:
cbtdad: Really
Sometimes I just wanna rip your shirt off
W: what
cbtdad: Idk
Sometimes I just wanna cuddle when I see you
Other times I wanna rip your shirt off and throw you down and dominate you
You are just sexy
W: Haha thanks. I have no problem you sleeping in the bed. I just don't want you to expect anything
cbtdad: I'm done expecting anything
I've begun to understand that
W: Ok

So I got the "ok" so I didn't respond
Like I've said that's my trigger

But clearly I texted what I did based on what i saw
I am just sitting here wondering what I am doing
Wondering how long before i get hurt
Wondering why I continue to give everything I have to this woman
I am at a point that I'm learning patience but learning that I am a badass individual who doesn't need to continue to stress over the "what ifs"