I'm a bit of an occassional lurker on the bb these days.
I think these recent signs are really promising! How do you know if you're riding the crest of "THE wave"?....Sadly, you don't. None of us do.
You just ride it out, hope the undertow is gentle, and another crest is not far off.
KAW, as you know CJ's infatuation with OW managed to get to the point where the bloom was off the rose (so to speak), for CAW, the fantasy of OM seems to be a crutch. It's almost like she needs that "promise" (empty though it is) to bouy her unhappiness.
It's not a very healthy nor mature thing, is it? Nor is involving her daughters in this confusing mess, nor is journalling and leaving it for you to see...Folks, I'm quite convinced that CAW uses these indirect means purposely to convey how she feels at the moment, and frankly it's manipulative...because to confront her, means admitting to snooping, which makes YOU the bad guy.
So....what IS going on that's different in this UP cycle, KAW...do NOT underestimate the change in your work schedule and the things you're doing around the house. These are HUGE to a lot of women (including myself).
Sounds like this Easter's gonna be a good one! (There will be at least one pasta dish there, right? )
KAW, would you please refresh my memory? What happens when you go a bit dark with your W?
I may not be seeing all of the options here, but it seems that there are only four likely conclusions to the situation.
1. She has an opportunity to find out what "be careful what you wish for" really means. It is so obvious that it she were suddenly fully available to have an R with the OM, she'd find out in a big hurry that he's a player who doesn't give a rat's pooter about her. I'd give it somewhere between 2 weeks and two months for him to show his true colors, busting her fantasy big time.
Very likely, she'd be clicking her heels like crazy, saying "there's no place like home"!
2. You do a last resort technique or finally grow sick and tired of limbo and initiate a separation. This action would wake her up in a big hurry! She might try option #1 if you force the scenario, but option #1 has only one likely conclusion.
3. You do nothing, and nothing changes. Even after the OM is physically out of the picture, she could hang on to the fanstasy for years, thereby ensuring she never risks real intimacy and vulnerability with you.
4. She eventually grows up and recognizes her BS as BS and realizes what she has put you through.
I don't know, KAW. At this point, I'm concerned about what is best for YOU and wishing you weren't being emotionally abused anymore!
You wrote a very memorable post on my thread a while ago, about the ocean liner taking a while to turn around. Well, right at the moment my ocean liner seems to have juddered to a screeching halt, cut the engine, and is apparently totally confused about which direction to move in, and seems to prefer being buffeted about by the raging high seas...
As to your situation, which I admit am an not too well up on, but from the info here, it seems that CAW really does need to have her fantasy bubble burst in some way. It doesn't of course guarantee that she will coming running home to you though. My H seems to prefer being angry and even blaming me for things going wrong in his life, or saying that things are being 'taken' from him, as opposed to him messing up in any way.
But if the issue with OW never coems to a head, you may end up in this limbo for years and years.... not a very appealing thought, is it?
My 2 cents.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I don't have any thing to add to what others have already suggested.
Perhaps you can ride this wave, keep noticing the positives...and IF things start going downhill again, then initiate some sort of separation, wake up call?
WOW..glad to see you posted again..and look at the response..LL is too cute and right to the point..I always have admired her for her strength and boldness..makes alot of sense about the job thing...
The questions about wondering if it is for real... believe me you will know, I have been through many emotions these past few years..actually it has been almost 5 since h and I started drifting..some times were good..but it never felt quite right..until things got to a point and he left, and I moved on with my life..blah blah blah..and HE is the one that turned himself around..nothing I could say or do was going to change how he felt or what he wanted...I let him ride out his own wave and as alot of you know I was ready to give him a D that he mentioned last Halloween..but I waited..patiently and he decided that our life and m together was worth keeping..Oh no I stole your thread..SORRY I don't post on my own much.. Anyways..my point is we all know what we want..are we willing to hang on for as long as it might take? Thats what each of us has to decide.
There are many new people here, with fresh ideas..
Sorry to butt in here LL, but I work with a guy who's been in this type of position for five years. The perks are great and thus the reason he won't leave nor try to get a permanent position any place else. He IS told year after year different excuses, but contintues to stay with no job security. I don't quite understand it myself, for some reason he thinks he's going to become a permanent employee when I've seen other people with less seniority become permanent.
Maybe, just mabye KAW is seeing there is a possibility that some day/some how there is a possibility and if there is then he wants to be there when that happens.
CAW is living in a dream world, IMHO, she's living on possibilities, fantasy, hope, for something better that more than likely isn't going to be there.
KAW I would love to have a H like you as would a lot of us here and CAW just isn't realizing what is out there in the real world.
You are not butting in at all infact I started to feel like I was monopolizing KAW with my own brand of advice and thoughts while patiently waiting for others to chime in with their wisdom.
Quote: but I work with a guy who's been in this type of position for five years. The perks are great and thus the reason he won't leave nor try to get a permanent position any place else. He IS told year after year different excuses, but contintues to stay with no job security. I don't quite understand it myself, for some reason he thinks he's going to become a permanent employee when I've seen other people with less seniority become permanent.
Of course there are people who would and do keep such jobs will they stay there forever? It's the same as renting property in my eyes...some people rent the same darn house or apartment for decades and in the end they've payed the morgage but have no claim to the property. raw deal if ya asked me but then I suppose if you ask such a renter if they are happy with the sit they may not mind and find positives in it.
I'm not expecting KAW to feel about things the way I do...I'm simply asking him to question job satisfaction instead of the constant worry over CAWs satisfaction. That is not to say that he shouldn't consider her feelings...it just means that sometimes he needs to come first.
But then again he's riding a good wave right now so there is no need to consider a two week notice...but at some point in time will he not face burn out with the constant flux?
It’s hard to wait and wait – never knowing if all of the waiting is in vain. People who have waited in vain regret it. They wish they dropped the whole foolishness a long long time ago. Other people wait an awful long time, and eventually their patience bears fruit.
You’ll never know which category you’re going to fall into.
Some of the analogies that have been posted to you may be helpful if you want to alleviate your pain, but for me, there’s a big difference between packing in a job you don’t like, and packing in your marriage (sorry, LL).
I’ve been accused of victim mentality. I’ve been told that I’m a great guy, and that I could easily find someone else. I’ve been told that if my love for my W hurts me so much, then why not just stop loving her? If love is a choice, then logically, it goes both ways. Either my W can start loving me, or I can choose to stop loving her.
Perhaps that’s the ultimate 180. But to be honest, KAW, I think the past 25 years are too deeply ingrained in me. I honestly don’t believe that putting all of that behind me would make me happier. I’m not happy, KAW. Make no mistake about that. But I also know that I wouldn’t be happier if W left the house. She thinks I would. “Out of sight, out of mind,” I guess. But she’s not a goldfish that I can just flush down the toilet and get a new one.
Sorry, KAW. I’m rambling a bit. Not sure where I’m trying to go with this. I guess that ultimately, if CAW chooses to leave you, then you have three choices. Fight it, support it, or simply let her do what she has to do and disagree with it. It takes two to decide to marry. It only takes one to split.
My choice was to disagree. W thinks the “right” thing to do is to split up. I simply told her that I don’t agree.
i wish i had more wisdom in these matters, kaw. you are a wonderful person, and i know this is against dbing rules, but IMHO, your w is a silly cow. i'm glad you are able to chart a steady course, not reacting to her negatives or positives (big one for me to learn ) only thing i can offer is what i got back when i suggested to my H before discovering dbing that we should give up - his deflating, but immortal words - give up and do what? so i guess we all hang in there, wait for the aliens to go home, and pursue a richer life. yeah right.
Forgive me if I'm asking a stupid question, but I don't have time these days to go right back on everyone's thread and read them all.
What have you done, or are you doing, to start moving forward with your life, with or without CAW? I don't mean starting a relationship with someone else, but could you be doing things that are more jsut for yourself, that will feel to CAW that you might be moving on without her?
I am thinking that rather than give her an ultimatum, if you do things which suggest to her you are not going to be around like a feature in the house for ever and ever, she might even wake up! Not suggesting you 'reject' her, but just seem that you can get on fine without her and are actually having a good time. Maybe even mention plans that sound great but don't inlcude her?
Just my thoughts.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
)
) only thing i can offer is what i got back when i suggested to my H before discovering dbing that we should give up - his deflating, but immortal words - give up and do what? 