Papers are filed, here comes the D. Focus on me

[SH_]

I know I should maybe be more excited.

No Cherry, you should not feel more excited.
He has already taken you on this same ride before.
Are you keeping up with Sara's sitch.
Same thing.
Your H needs some serious self help before you should give a crap about anything he does.
Blu continues to tell you this.

But I just feel like I need to tread carefully.

Why not take the approach that you have been given by others that have already travelled this road.
Stop treading and start walking....to your own beat.
If he feels no loss.
You will lose.

He needs to take full charge of his issues and how he's going to overcome them. And to show me he's willing to do whatever it takes.

I think we keep hearing you say this, but your actions tell a slightly different story.
Actions, not words will benefit you most.
Your H senses this.

He could just of had a shock from me pulling back and gave atarted to become concerned at what he may loose, I saw blu say on you thread how she had a few false starts from her h before he put the work in and came through.

Blu also tells you that without him feeling true loss, he is not going to get himself together.
No, I don't think he is in shock...
I think he is cake eating....
He has been able to do that for over a year now
And you are allowing it.

Cherry my dear. You have got to step back.
When was the last time you read DB/DR?
Have you worked with a DB coach?
Are you seeking out the stories in this forum with folks that have successfully managed these trechourous waters or are you staying in the stories of folks that are ruminating in the pain and providing poor advice and comfort and struggling in their own sitch?
This community is full of folks that have made it to the other side.
Yet there is an odd trend of many simply sticking with the others that are struggling in the same boat.

Misery like company perhaps.......

Or a different school of thought may be,
Success wants to be in the company of other success and take chances doing work that is counter intuitive.


Think on that.

You have a ways to go and your thread is full of many others barely treading water, and those that can pull you to shore appear to be brushed aside with the comments that venting on here helps out there.

But is it really helping?
Or is it keeping you stuck.

Our friend Zeus posted this today.

One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:

VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.

NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.

I think of many stories here where the venting and focus on every little thing the WS does, quickly changes to more permanent thoughts and focus,and in turn it starts to create the sad reality that is getting so much focus.

I am challenging you to start today with your story here, and post what you are learning.
What you are doing differently.
How you are changing to be the woman only a fool would leave.
No more chat of your WH or what you think every little thing he does has a meaning or lack there of.

“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ” James Allen

I am pulling for you Cherry.
Each day I follow your story with hope of seeing you put into action the things that those that have truly experienced a similar journey, are sharing with you.

I hope something here in my thoughts may inspire you to take a different step forward.
You deserve more than you are settling for right now.

(((((Cherry)))))