Phase 2 contd.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Pinn and Sotto for the support. I think I decided that my next venture will indeed be a full marathon in January 2017. I wish there was one a little sooner, but this will work. There's a tri or two I could do, but I'm too chicken to train in the water over the winter.... Brrrrrr.

I must say, there have been some awesome conversations occurring on this board. It is really cool seeing so many people doing the work. There's a lot of introspection and learnings. I continue to learn from each and everyone's situation. Thank you all for courageously sharing.

Not to put too much focus on h.... But I've been thinking about unconditional love (a topic occurring one someone else's thread). I have to say..... I honestly don't know if h loved me unconditionally. Now, It's not an excuse to say, I behaved poorly and he was supposed to love me anyway. I'm not saying that at all. There's just little things that stick out and they may be minor, but they still sting. One- I have a lot of hair. It's long. When I had alopecia from all the stress I was internalizing, my hair was falling out even more. He used to take my hairs and give them back to me for me to throw away. If I was in the bathroom and a hair somehow got on his side of the sink, he would pick it up and put it back on my side of the sink for me to throw away.

Every time this happened, it would make me so angry and it hurt because there was nothing I could do about it, but he made some obnoxious thing about it. Unless I walked around with my hair in a bun all day, there's nothing I could do about it.

Kind of the same thing with the bed. He would only make his side of the bed. I got up before him and left for work.... And there's no way I would make the bed while he was still in it. But I would come home after a long day and there the bed would be- 1/2 made. It would make me so mad, but i thought to myself, why bring it up because he would turn it on me. At this point, I knew better than to stick up for myself because it would be my fault.

Ok- again, just minor examples.... But all those minors turn into majors. One time my nephew stayed with us over the summer and when he got home, he told his mom that he thought h treated me poorly. This got back to my h (because it was his sister who told him) and he turned everything around on his nephew and me. Again, I wasn't strong enough or differentiated enough to say to h, actually yeah, you do treat me like sh!t sometimes. Instead of- thanks for loading the dishwasher, I got- you loaded the dishwasher wrong. Always.....

At the lowest low, in November 2014, I had to work late. As I was leaving the office at 7, I realized that I had a flat tire. I called h, who was too busy to help me out. I remember being so terrified (I was actually terrified) of getting the tire fixed myself because I was afraid of doing wrong in his eyes. I would either not use the right service, or pay too much, or something. Eventually, I got a truck out there to put the donut on, but it took several hours and h didn't help. In hindsight.... I don't remember why, but of course now I think it was an affair! Anyway, I digress.

Clearly, there was some psychological damage with myself for me to be feeling that way and I'm pretty sure I worked through most of it over the last year. Time will tell if it shows up again in another romantic relationship, but I keep it in check. Actually, I'm a little too vocal these days..... Ahhhh just learning to find the balance.

On that token, I have to wonder if i loved h unconditionally. Everytime I perceived him to hurt me, I buried those feelings and built resentment. If i loved him unconditionally, would I have allowed those things to bother me as much as they did?????

Just something for me to think about. Yet, at the same time, I'm done thinking too much about that relationship. I'm in the process of moving forward and looking back doesnt serve me.