Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[CT1118]

ForGump,

When you get on that work trip, you should challenge yourself to meet and speak with new people. Do you have any self goals for the trip? For example, my last work trip was in June - before the trip one of my self challenges was to speaking with whomever I was sitting next to. Do you have any good challenges set up?

[ForGump]

CT-- I'm actually fairly comfortable socializing with people, even though I am indeed an introvert. And my work trip is all about meeting, discussing and networking with others, so there are lots of opportunities to be social. But being an introvert means that they do sap my energy, and by evening I just want to be by myself. But yeah, I have no problem talking to people I don't know.

Every day there are so many emotions swirling around in my head, in my heart ... I have to keep asking myself, why I am doing what I'm doing, and remind myself why I've decided to DB the best I can. I don't have high hopes, but I believe it's the right thing to do. In fact, I can't live with any other path for me and for my kids.

[RDS]

CT-- I'm actually fairly comfortable socializing with people, even though I am indeed an introvert. And my work trip is all about meeting, discussing and networking with others, so there are lots of opportunities to be social. But being an introvert means that they do sap my energy, and by evening I just want to be by myself. But yeah, I have no problem talking to people I don't know.

This describes me to a "T". I can converse with people with ease and not to brag, but most people really like me and would be surprised on how much I'm an introvert. My W is just the opposite. She gets wanderlust being by herself too long. When we were on happier terms she was the one who dragged me out of the house to do social events. I'm doing the forcing of my own now.

BTW, I lost track, but did you decide to keep wearing your ring?

[ForGump]

Yes, took the ring off for a few days long ago but once I realized I need to do everything for me -- not for W or for anyone else's perception, not even my own kids -- I decided this is something that means something for me, and decided to keep it on. Glad I did. I will take it off if/when we are officially divorced.

PacLove -- I'm still doing in-house separation. So there isn't a structured agreement for taking care of our kids. I take my S to school, work M-F 9-5, then I go home and enjoy my time w/ my kids. Since I'm w/o kids M-F 9-5 and my work gives me a lot of freedom, I don't particularly feel a need to get away from my kids.

[JRuss]

Every day there are so many emotions swirling around in my head, in my heart ... I have to keep asking myself, why I am doing what I'm doing, and remind myself why I've decided to DB the best I can. I don't have high hopes, but I believe it's the right thing to do. In fact, I can't live with any other path for me and for my kids.

Man, this just says it all, ForGump. I could have written it word for word if I could right as well. At this point, I have nothing I can point to that provides any real source of optimism that my W and I will be able to rebuild a marriage, and the demons come out a lot, yelling at me to just quit. I guess I'll know when it's time to do that.

[JRuss]

Haha -- "right" should be "write" in the above. See what I mean?

[ForGump]

After I put the kids to bed and I'm sitting by myself in an empty bed ... that's when I hear the demons.

When the W is treating me with anger and contempt ... that's when I hear them. That's when I tell myself, it's over, I can't do it no more.

Then I think about my kids.

[JRuss]

That's when I hear them, too.

That might be when I throw it in, I guess: when I'm convinced the kids aren't going to do any worse living in two households with two loving parents than they would be under one roof with two parents who, although they try hard to fake it, and succeed most of the time, are really only capable of modeling for the kids what a bad relationship looks like.

[ForGump]

I wonder about that too. We've been generally polite toward each other, but there's been no warmth -- and we were both very affectionate toward each other before. I wonder how much the kids see. And my W has been noticeably grouchier since the BD. My kids have definitely noticed that. But I don't think it will get any better if she got the D that she wants. I think much of her grouchiness is her natural state, as she is frustrated w/ her world, and it will only become more difficult if the D were to take place. I don't know, maybe if she found a new lover, during the honeymoon period she'd be in a happier place.

[mulesqb]

FG - Just tried to catch up on your sitch as some of the things you mention in albac's thread got me thinking. Your sitch is similar to what mine was, just a lot more civilized.

Just a quick recap. I was on this board back in 2008-09. My sitch got crazy but I had a lot of great people helping me. I ended up with full custody of my boys. Flash forward to where I am now. I ended up D'd at the end of 2009. It took a while. I am VERY happy in my life now. I am with an incredible woman now for 7 years who also went through a D. Biggest thing for me was trust after what I went through. Funny thing was when I met this woman the trust was there immediately and it was mutual.

I got to thinking that I wouldn't be where I am now without this place. Back in the day everyone here thought I was a success story because I got my kids. At the time I felt like a complete failure because I ended up D'd. For some reason the last few weeks I felt like coming back here and seeing how people are doing. It's amazing how so many stories at their core are so similar.

You stick out to me because of the in-house sep. I did that. It was BRUTAL. But your W seems pretty civilized. Mine was just angry. She was more angry with the kids than me at the time.

One thing I will say that someone here already said to you was if you want your M to ever have a chance you need some time apart. I can't agree more. Moreso because whatever she's going through she needs time alone to figure it out. The in house sep is not giving it that chance. And whatever you are doing to better yourself and take care of yourself she is to close to it. Probably is ticked off about it.

Last thing I wanted to mention is what you wrote early on in your threads about your physical relationship with your W. Man that hit close to home. In my M it always felt obligatory. Even early on when things were supposedly good. My XW always made me feel bad about wanting that. Now....so different. So hot and so much on the same page. It was an immediate connection and after 7 years it keeps getting better. I never thought I would be able to say that. But it is 100% true. We make time for each other even though we have 6 kids in the house. We make dates and most of all we really like each other. That is the basis of true love.

If I could say one thing that sticks out to me to you, it would to not be afraid of where the chips fall. You are a good man. No matter how this plays out you are going to be fine. It's easy to fall into a funk because you feel like someone is blowing up your world. But in my case my XW did me a huge favor. You can get busy living or get busy dying. Remember that line. Tough times don't last, tough people do. Get busy living. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor.

Mules