Didn't have a great night as I knew I'd see H today for kids swap, so I decided to stay in the house and clear of his way, I can't tell you how much more settled I felt by doing that!

Today has been a week since I took the hard decision to put my boy to sleep. I was blessed by a friend who send me a lovely text on dog. This friend is so caring and thoughtful that I know God put her on my path.

I'm becoming the Rouky I was before meeting H. When I moved house I kept all the photos albums, and in one of them I had pictures of my dog with H. I framed two pictures that I put in each of my kids' room, and one that I wrapped and gave to H. I did it over the weekend, and there was no hidden agenda from me. I genuinely felt happy to do it for H. I don't know what he thought about it and I don't care. I noticed that the last few years I had become a butch towards my H because I was unhappy, and I developped resentment towards him because I felt he didn't love me, didn't support me. I thought all this unhappiness would resolve
by itself, but now I know better. I can clearly see my part in all this mess, and I don't want to ever again be that person.

I didn't know how to love my H, nor did he with me. I'm learning from this but not so sure about H. Now I know that I will always love him and I have to accept that it will never be reciprocated, and I'm getting fine with it. H was a part of my life where I struggled a lot and unfortunately he wasn't/ isn't in a great place either.

The only difference now is that I'm working on me and sorting out all the issues I had/ have one by one to become a better me. Sadly H hasn't even started his journey and I don't think OW is capable of supporting him in that. At the moment he is having his fun, although I believe that at one point he will have to face his demons and I'm afraid he won't have the tools I have learnt to cope with. I deeply feel sorry to him as his life was a mess when I met him, but now it's even worse for him. I honestly wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now nor in his mind.

I can pass away now, and with my hand on my heart I can say I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know what to show to my kids, and I wished I had known all about relationships and loving myself before I enter my marriage as I feel things could have been different!

I'm a loving, kind, compassionate person who lost herself and I know I have much love to offer but not to my expense anymore. H has really lost a gem (who was all along there but covered under a lot of dust), I have gained Rouky back and I'm slowly rebuilding my life. I'm feeling more the love of my friends around me and for the moment it's what I need more than a romantic relationship. I trust God that he has a plan for me.