journaling - MIL texted asking If i have a key to W's house and if she could come and get it because MIL is going over to W's house and clean the deck because MIL bought W a new deck set.. I asked MIL to make sure W knows because other wise I get accused of doing shady things. This got me thinking, I didn't lie and cheat, why am I the liar? why is my word all of a sudden not worth anything to W? I think this is a little "game" to get me to give up my house key, which I really don't care but seriously?! I'm so disappointed not exactly sure in what or who. Just in general. I'm doing my best here, I'm trying everyday, I'm working on GAL and detaching, and just living for me. why is it so hard? Why is it that it feels like my W is doing everything she can to get me out of her life? How does she do it? How is it so easy to erase me. Why does W have it so easy. I can barely function at work or in my day to day. I feel extremely down and depressed. I don't know how I manage to wake up everyday and still TRY to live a decent life. I have no idea. I don't know why I'm here or how to leave this place. I don't deserve all this, yet and still I'm getting it. Grad is coming up perhaps I'm all sorts of crazy emotions because of it. Her Family will be in town, and of course I'm not invited to the activities, that I wasn't sure I was going to attend anyway, but somehow knowing It was MY decision not to go would make me feel better, instead I'M the one hurt by the loss. I feel the loss. I know I can only control my feelings and I don't know if W does or does not feel the loss. IT hurts from where I'm standing, She's got her family, our D, our house, her friends, her school, her career, our pets, om or ow, I just don't know how to move past this or quit thinking about it.
