H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Cessna]

Thanks Zues, I too have written a letter condemning myself and excepting all blame. Hope that doesn't come back on me. I thought I was doing right thing by conveying my understanding and responsibility for the M downfall.

[RDS]

Hi RDS, curious to know how/what was used against you?

Sorry, to get back to you so late.

She used DB tactics against me such as going out in social circles again as I had stopped going out with her towards the end. That was part of GAL for me.

She used my apology letter my DB coach suggested I send (and my W seemed genuinely touched when she got it).

There were a few other things, but generally she used things I was doing to improve myself. In her mind I should have been doing stuff like before she left and it was proof that I was glad she was gone.

[RDS]

Speaking on behalf of RDS...his DB coach advised him to write a letter apologizing for his contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. My DB coach did the same, and I still have a copy of the letter I sent...

Zues,

I think IRL I would want to be your BFF.

What you wrote is exactly the way it came down. I couldn't have said it any better. I don't know if I should be sad or not, but I have forgiven my W for what she did. People that know of the situation (not many to be sure) think I'm an idiot for doing that.

I just really guard what I say and do now.

[csabo]

My H said when I started doing DB things like GAL and cleaning a lot that it was insulting since i should have been found it before he gave the "ultimatum". I'm not sure how to respond to that, I said I had gotten complacent, like when he got a gym membership but didn't use it for months.

[csabo]

Been doing it before. Not been found. Sorry, on mobile.

[RDS]

My H said when I started doing DB things like GAL and cleaning a lot that it was insulting since i should have been found it before he gave the "ultimatum". I'm not sure how to respond to that, I said I had gotten complacent, like when he got a gym membership but didn't use it for months.

A couple of months ago my W hinted around something along those lines as well. I validated by stating her actions (her leaving me) forced me to see how bad I had become and I did not want to be the hateful man anymore. It was the truth too. Until she left me I had no idea how hurtful towards her I had become.

[csabo]

I guess H was talking to his friend about how he doesn't want to just "hook up" with random girls and how it would have been so easy to stay with me, but that he's doing the right thing for his life but it's unjust how difficult it is to do.

If it's easier to stay with me, I just don't understand why he's trying so hard to leave. How do I combat the idea that it's the "right" thing to do to leave me?

I've got to just keep consistent with the changes, and with the GAL and implementing my new ideas from DB coach. Patience is the hard part! It's only been two months, feels like a lifetime! And I know lots of you here have been at it for much longer.

I think I also need to work on improving communication skills/validating. He tried to talk to me again the other day about why he felt like a loser, and I had a hard time not just saying "I don't think you're a loser..."

[csabo]

Last week was supposed to be our anniversary, it hit me pretty hard. Especially when he served me papers on the day. I think I've been a bit lax in my 180s and GAL efforts this past week... Making excuses to clean later and not getting around to it, that sort of thing.

No more! Today after work I am doing housework, then going out to ballroom dance lessons.

[RDS]

Good for you!

[Rose888]

That sounds like a great plan!

Whenever I find myself falling back into emotional fusion (letting my mood be dictated by H's actions or what I think his mood is), I realize that I have let my GAL activities slip a little.