Quote: ... and maybe she is, which is why the current change in her behavior ... then again maybe not. I guess I need to stick it out a little while longer to be sure...
riding this wave is about all you can do for now...so then let's not ponder the possibilities. Instead let's enjoy this ride see where it takes us and make a decision whether to paddle toward the next (if it indeed breaks) or bring our board into shore to rest up and catch some rays.
I got the "I only have one life" saying and I guess W did not think this was the life she is supposed to have. Your W is very lucky, though neither of you can see this now, to have your unconditional love. W also gave me a comment about "soulmates" and I realize all this is about her justification of her actions. Many people would give a great deal to have a comfortable marriage, a good husband and three amazing children. W once said, "I wish I could be one of those people that a good family and a comfortable marriage was enough. and maybe I'll figure out that it is." Guess she figured out something else.
Hi KAW Just wanted to let you(and LL) know that your posting has really helped me. I'm a lurker always lurking, and your posts have been of great importance to me. (I'm afaid LL or Betsy might eat me for a snack if I posted my own thread).
I really can't offer any advice on your sitch, other than offer my support for your continued approach, and to try and keep your level of PMA. Greg.
I have to say LL has a way of putting the obvious in perspective. We wouldn't stay at that type of job. I have been in this a little longer than you. I'm to the point that H needs a kick in the a$$. I'm tired of interviewing for the job. It's like this ride won't end!
We have to make the decision for ourselves. I can't help but wonder if we just haven't been on the ride for so long, that we are accustomed to it and change would be scary.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
LL makes some good points. Ones I'm pondering myself these days as you know from my thread.
Have you been able to determine what specifically you're doing when CAW is positive? The ring seems significant to me. What's different in March?
I'm not sure the snooping is helping you right now, and perhaps a bit of detachment is in order. Can't snoop and detach at the same time, IMO.
Seems to me CAW is still vaccillating between fantasy and reality, but also knows good old KAW is always going to be there so feels like she is in pretty good control here. My H once said to me "I know that I can come home if I want to." And part of him does want to... seems like I encouraged the waffling by creating that impression in his head... that this M is all about what H wants. Well guess what... it's not. And I didn't realize I was creating the impression that it was. Do you think CAW might have a similar sense of things? That maybe part of her drama is that she knows she can have her M, but OM is more of a challenge?
I read your thread last night and just don't know what to say or what advice to give.
You have over the past few months given me such insight and wisdom. Allowing me to see another perspective and notice the things I had missed.
I wish I had the answers to give you. But I guess really, we all have the answers ourselves. It's just a matter of finding them within us and letting that be our guide.
I know there are so many times that I focus so much on my XH and our R that I forget to look at me. I have a friend who is also DBing and notice that he does that too. I suggested that for every thought he has about his W to have two about himself. Think about the things that are important to him and the things that he needs to change. Really dig and find him.
Everything starts with us. Its all right there inside, but far too often we cover it up and are not truthful with ourselves. Maybe we think it is easier that way. And it probably is, but it is always less successful.
OK, now I think I"M rambling...
Not sure what message I'm trying to give here, just that it all comes from the inside.
Your a wonderful person KAW. Hang in there and step back and look at the situation with beginners eyes, from the inside.
I have to agree with wonder, I think our spouses do have the idea that we will "always" be there. So, what to do about that? I have no immediate ideas. It seems like a very thin line to walk. After all, we want them to know we want the marriage, but in knowing that, do they think this can go on forever?
Soooooooo confusing!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Well, I hafta admit this is not quite the kinda response I expected.
Update: Here I am working on Palm Sunday, when we are usually at the IL's have a wonderful homemade Italian feast. CAW has been feeling well due to a constant headache for over a week now (I finally was able to gently coax her to make a MD appointment for Monday which I will take her too, but that's another subject...), so she arranged to have D19 drive her to IL's. I just received a call from her. She's there ... she's missing me!! ... says she rather be Easter, because then she will be there at IL's with me. I can't remember the last time she called me to say she misses me...
... and I guess this is why I felt I needed to start this thread. After so many hot and cold cycles, I've gotten damn good at not reading too much into anything postive anymore as I don't want to get set up again for another downfall.
At the same token, there are some difference now, but is it different this time? How do I get to believe its different now? I would like nothing to be able to believe, but my version of crazymaking is constantly churning ... "This ain't gonna last!"
I guess maybe I need to hear a heart felt ILY. I havn't heard one of these in over a year! ... and then it was only to in response to when I said it first, so I stop saying then and I havn't heard one from her since. I don't even remember the last one was in which I thought she meant it.
However, she is back to doing other stuff that can be interpretted that way. She's takes my hand and craddles it with both of hers against her chest or she'll take her fingers and run them thru my chest hairs. (OK, I probably opened myself up to some jabs on that one?), etc... and so forth ... but these come and go with the hot & cold cycles (Geesh ... now I sound like we're a laundrymat!)
Like LL said, I just have to ride the wave, but how do I know if I'm riding the ultimate wave? I guess, what I'm struggling with is will I know this is the real deal? When I ever know? Is it just too soon to tell? Will I ever know?
Can she be approached with my doubts? How would I even take such an approach?
I feel like Charlie Brown does about the little redhead girl!
What would tell someone else in your position? You will them to stop doubting, continue the positive actions you've taken, quit second guessing EVERYTHING, and continue for the most part as you have.
Not time to express doubt; I'm sure you realize this.
Stay your course, remember what brought you here and tell yourself along with the rest of us to be patient and love unconditionally.
