It is coming up on two years since I committed to save my failing M. We are still together so either I am doing something right or something wrong!! Whereas my W does not fit fully the mlc description I feel maybe being surrounded and guided by other long timers could be another something different to try.
I joined my previous thread (was or what 7) if hopefully some of you want to catch up. Maybe some fresh opinions could help. I don't post often enough in newcomers to have a lot of support. Plus my story differs a bit from many newbie struggling lbs's, in that my w is still here.
I will write more shortly. If ye feel I should be posting elsewhere I welcome your feedback.
Respect to all of ye over here. Some of your stories are incredible and to be honest daunting.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
You can post anywhere on the Board that you wish. There are wonderful people on all of the forums who are more than willing to share, advise and offer up support to all those who come looking for answers.
I'll take a look at your previous threads later today and will be happy to provide some thoughts on your situation.
However, if your wife is still living under the same roof w/you and it's been two years, evidently something is working. If you are not putting pressure on her to "shape up or snap out of it", then that may be the reason that she is still at home. Some will remain in the home just as long as they are pretty much left to do their own thing, not criticized, no attempts to control and/or manipulate them, etc. If you attempt to control them, put pressure on them or watch their every move, some will move out just to get away from the "authority" figure.
So, let's begin. Tell us a bit about you. What are you doing in the way of GAL? Are you taking care of yourself?
Also, I'm going to suggest that you take a look at the threads that have been posted by ForeverYoung here, in the MLC Forum. His w remained in the home and some of what you posted on your recent thread reminded me of his situation.
Thank you Job for the welcome and for your reply. I have glanced through Foreveryoungs threads a few times in the past. I love his (almost) unwavering" she is worth it". I never went in depth into his threads because honestly they daunted me. It was earlier in my situation and the thoughts of how long I may have to stand, were unthinkable or I believed beyond my capacity. I will take the time to read his story fully.
My GAL has been part getting a life and part getting busy.The getting a life involves mostly doing sport a few times a week, at least once with others.I have increased my social circle but most are not deep friendships and I have actively improved my friendship with a group of guys from my area.
Getting busy is stuff I do around the house. Includes DIY projects, some sport, balanced contribution to housekeeping and time with sons. I also am self employed and there is no shortage of paperwork etc for that.
If needed I think I could fill most evenings and weekends with non W stuff. But for now I try to balance how much I am available with when I am busy. I divorced our couch life as before every evening was in front of TV hardly communicating. Now I am only there if watching something I want to watch, if WE are discussing something or if too tired for anything else. I will talk another time more about this "balance".
I am taking care of myself, with regards to my health/fitness, meeting my needs, self improvement and the occasional treat. I don't sleep as well as I would like to, but my head is not overactive at night.
I have had a low opinion of myself but now that has greatly improved. I am not perfect and there are somethings I seem v slow to improve/change. I truly appreciate the opportunity this has given me to really look inside and work on myself/my life. I am not as impatient as I was but I want this situation to end. I know I can live with either outcome and regardless there are many things I will always bring forward, including self worth, continuous improvement, seize opportunities, empathy and appreciation/gratitude.
I tended to use my previous threads to either mention self improvement stuff or more so to release negative phases. Rereading my threads I do notice I have talked often about when I was not doing well. These were true but I probably didn't write much about the times I felt well.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Your thread is about you, i.e., whether you are having a good day or a bad day, it's about you. This is your safe place to post what is on your mind, bounce things off of us and ultimately find a way to move forward w/your life.
You sound like you keep very busy, but you will need to take some time out to do things for you. Don't get too caught up in the day to day stuff that you can't carve out just a wee bit of time to do something special for yourself. Your posting tells me that you are learning to balance things and that's good.
Psst! No one is perfect and there is not one perfect marriage out there. We all have flaws and you've begun to work on yours. Patience is something that we all have to learn because we are all fixers and want things done as quickly as possible, but the crisis isn't one of those things that we can fix for them. They have to do it themselves. Yes, we want to fix them and the relationship, but for now, we can only control ourselves. So, dig deeper for patience, learn all you can about MLC/Depression and then dig deeper again for more patience. It's not going to end any time soon. Give her plenty of space and time.
You are right where you need to be at this time. Keep posting!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am fairly familiar with depression having suffered with it in the pat. I will look deeper into mlc and pre menopause.
I know and agree with everything you said. But being in the middle of this it does no harm to be reminded.
Is your assessment of me based on my posts here or have you had the time to review my threads in Newcomers?
I have not been an active poster, at least not on my thread but maybe moving here, will help me restart.
I would like to clarify that I see myself as just fairly busy, not very busy. But it seems neither I nor W want me to be occupied all the time. So I balance in the way that suits me best. Over time I will post more about this and other interactions that I may not be optimal at.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am basing my response to you on what you've posted not only here, but over in Newcomers.
It's okay to be busy, but you also have to balance it w/some "me" time as well and that could be anything that best suits you.
I want you to feel comfortable posting here. I'm not saying Newcomers doesn't have some great people over there, because they do...but we have people here that have dealt w/MLC and been in the trenches much longer than most of the newbies.
Ask questions, come here to journal and there is a wealth of info that you can read and print off for later.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
