I took my thread title from Job's advice in another thread I read as I keep reminding myself of it.
I will apologize in advance for the long and rambling post of the misc. things coming back to mind. I'm sure with little sleep I've forgotten half of what I was going to post. I'm also trying to catch up on the other threads here but am way behind.
Everything has been so chaotic I'm almost not sure where I left off. S is doing okay, we got out of the hospital Friday afternoon. I wish I could say he is 100% but we have a long way to go. W and I took him to a follow up yesterday and the Dr. (not his normal pediatrician) was puzzled. He has a back problem now (we actually noticed it before we left the hospital but it isn't getting better), he can't stand straight and looks so frail. He had us set up another appt. at the Children's Hospital later this week.
I'm so thankful he is okay, it's so scary that I could have lost a child. I feel terrible this happened (W keeps telling me not be hard on myself) and am very upset at the Dr. at an urgent care place I took him to a couple weeks ago. He treated me like I was stupid for brining my kid in with the flu and checked him out with a 10 ft. pole because he was afraid of getting sick. It was ridiculous. In hindsight I can see the nurses were concerned but I heard him tell them in the hall that his breathing was just from a fever. His bedside manner was awful. I'm going to file a formal complaint.
I spent a lot of time w/W the last week and a half and it was a lot to take in. We spent 8 days in the hospital and she stayed here 5 days and left this afternoon to go pack up her apartment. We stayed in S's room the whole time we were in the hospital as we were both too concerned to leave and also worked together (fantastically I might add) and took turns taking care of him. The first night she was going to sleep on the floor in the hospital room . She asked the nurse about it and he looked at her like she was crazy, then she changed her mind. We slept tops and tails while we were there and she's been sleeping on the couch at my house.
It went pretty well except for a few instances. Both our parents came to visit and they were all in the room together. They aren't fond of each other and everyone is nuts. I always thought this was a reason W and I got along so well; we never judged each other's families and understood each other. It's insane this is about our kid and we had to worry about this. This is only the third time they've been together. W and I talked about it before/after and thankfully it went okay. We were on the same team and stuck together. MIL always has to have drama and W nipped it in the bud. Wasn't really even an issue just awkward.
Later was after a cousin of mine stopped. W has still been in contact with her through our separation. W left to get us something to eat when she left and they left together. IDK what all she said but W came back a long time later and was acting totally different to me, we had been getting along great. She even took off my socks she was borrowing and gave them to me. To go to bed she wrapped herself up in another sheet and slept hanging on the edge. I asked what was going on and she said my cousin told her about another cousin's w asking her how I got primary custody. She was mad at me and said I was talking to people and didn't explain it right and how it wasn't the case (it actually is) and made her look bad (maybe it's a good sign she cares?). I tried to smooth it over, telling her I hadn't said much to anyone (which I haven't) and they probably didn't understand our state's laws and how they won't assign shared custody unless agreed upon by both parties. Never mind she was ready to take them and move in w/OM giving me only every other weekend just a few weeks ago. At one point I did tell her that leaving OM part out. She denied it though. Then she got mad and said I guess I know who's been talking bad about me then, referring to my parents and made a bunch of legitimate complaints about them. With everything going on it got dropped and we moved on. Then the next day my parents did a good one. W and I had arranged for D to stay with a friend for part of the week and my parents to take her later in the week. They called and rearranged our plans after I told them it was taken care of. This affirmed W's complaints and set me back in my DBing efforts. Their actions have not benefited my marriage when things were good and are certainly not helping now. I had to call and get everything back to how it was and let them know they can't do that to us. At one point she said how glad she was she didn't have to deal with their crap anymore. Very frustrating, I'm DBing and other people are messing it up for me. I did address it though which I didn't used to do or do a good job at. Hopefully she can see that.
Overall, W and I worked/are working very well together and have been getting along great. We're starting to talk more, not just about kids and business, but laughing, joking etc. I enjoyed her company for the first time in nearly a year. I no longer dread her incoming calls or texts. In the hospital there were a few times when she would stand close enough to me to touch arms then she would distance a little. It seemed like it in other ways (conversation, our time together, etc.) too. One time she accidentally called me babe then played it off saying baby, baby, baby to S.
In the few days she spent here things have generally been good too. We've had some time where we just talk. Last night she signed us all up for a corgi meet up next month we saw in a magazine. IDK what to think of this but two times she asked me to pop her back. Both times I ended up giving her 45 min to hour massages that she really enjoyed. Maybe physical touch is one of her LLs (I wish I would have read that a long time ago) but that is hard to implement during MLC. IDK, I used to give her massages almost daily.
I have noticed she will throw out little things about finding her own place, etc. Maybe to make sure I don't have any hope. IDK but I don't pay it any attention and keep acting the same.
I have some mixed up feelings right now. At times it was like we were just hanging out again,. This week we watched an entire season of a new show together (actually enjoying it together, not just watching tv and would stay up for a little while talking afterwards. It was nice spending time with her. I accidentally called her hun once but pretended like it didn't happen. When I massaged her (which I actually find relaxing I even did her arms, hands, face, head, etc. like I used to and she enjoyed it, a few weeks ago I had cooties. Although I enjoyed being with her, there were some other times where I had some resentment or indifferent feelings (e.g. one night I didn't want to sleep by her or I might think about her A and think I deserved better, or how much effort I was putting out but not getting anything back, how I just don't want to be her friend, how crazy she looked shaking her fist in traffic, etc.) but I found it melted away if I let it go and forgot about it. We've worked so well together the last couple weeks it's strange that were separated.
She's supposed to come back Thursday and maybe be here over the weekend and then next week at least a two days while I have to go out of town. It will be interesting to see if she stays here or at her friends when I am in town.
Trying not to think too far ahead and keep my expectations low but it's difficult.
. She asked the nurse about it and he looked at her like she was crazy, then she changed her mind. We slept tops and tails while we were there and she's been sleeping on the couch at my house. 
