What really keeps me going as the song implies, is I believe that OM does not want the A to develop into a deeper R as she hopes it would lead. Boy that didn’t quite come out sounding good, bet in essence it seems to be true. She wants to believe her true happiness is being with OM. Since they don’t to get to spend much time with each other, it hasn’t really been able to develop past the infatuation. However, in the past two years, she has received hints that he may not turn out to be all she is making of him. There have been times where he has tarnished his armor, while I have been there for her whenever she has needed it. So it seems as times I have been able to reverse the tables. At the same time tho, I think OM is keeping his options open so to speak (really do want to look to closely at that statement as he has a reputation as a womanizer), and leads her on enough to keep her wanting more, but really doesn’t want any serious ties. (OK, my head is getting muddled again, time to move on.)
It is my hope that on day, that she will realize what she is trying to cling on to is a fantasy, and that all along what she is looking elsewhere for is looking for is right here in Kansas (Wizard of OZ reference). I still believe that CAW is still vacillating between her fantasies and accepting she can find her happiness in her present reality and can’t seem to make a commitment to either direction. So basically, I can only sit and wait, while keep being the best me I can.
..but these cycles are wearing me down ... even now that we are back into an UP cycle.
Since the beginning of March, it has been getting better and better. An unforeseen benefit, has been my new work schedule. While working some weekends (like now), I now have days off in the middle of the week. Its given me some new opportunities for some 180’s:
- I’ve been practicing a “Flyguy” version so the house is cleaner when she comes home from work. - Been able to cook dinner for a change for the family. - Been able to hit some more of the “fix-it” list around the house. - Starting new projects, I just haven’t had time in the past to do, like a new shed.
So my list of positives of late: - She’s back to being affectionate. - Now she seems to perk up now when I greet her at the door and seems to enjoy our afternoons together. - Where she would make comments about how she couldn’t wait to be back to work, now she’s saying she doesn’t want to go to work! This is a new one for her. - She has been doing more AOS for me without me asking. This has been another big one over the last couple of years. - SHE WORE HER WEDDING BAND THIS PAST WEEKEND FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR!!
Yes, these are great positive, but I’ve seen most of them before too ... and I can’t silence the words that keep resonating in my head from stepD24’s letter “...that a year is not all that long to wait and then she will be able to move back here and they will be able to go off on their own as they have talked about.” ... I don’t want to be going thru this again next year ...
... and yet, for the past two years, Feb thru May she draws closer to OM and thoughts of wanting to leave M ... and to start 2004, much the same .... but here at the end of Mar., 2004 she is she breaking the cycle? ... for real? ... for good? I so much want to believe, but just know I can’t and do I have to wait another year to find out?
My head is pounding... and shoot, I did it again. I took what should have been a positive post and turned it all around again! I really need to work on this!!!
OK ... enough of my self indulgence at the expense of the wonderful folks on this bb... I promise to spend the rest of weekend catching up on some of you fine folk (between doing some work here at my job). Wish I had the time to visit you all ...
