My Guy and I had it out last week. He had done something that was just outright ridiculous and I spelled out for him in very clear terms the consequences of adhering to that choice. Then I spent two days crying and he did what I asked of him. Then we had the big argument.
It was not a fight like any I've ever had. Every other fight I've ever had both sides get entrenched in their position, walk off to cool down, and then either one caves or the two parties agree to disagree.
In this one, he opened with a completely indisputable complaint. He stated it angrily but clearly and he was 100% right and I said so immediately. But then I had my say... And so it went. Back and forth until we had cleared the air and all was well.
There are some things on which we will always agree to disagree. We are not the same person -- not by a long shot. We did come to agreement about how to handle those disagreements, though. The biggest trick for me will be to have confidence that he's going to abide by the ground rules we agreed to. The second biggest trick will be for me to monitor myself and make sure I adhere to them on my side.
I also thought, all things considered, that I had sacrificed too much of my time to him. I am working to be more detached so that we each have our own life as well as the part of our life we're trying to create together. So I accepted a couple of invitations I had been putting off and I let him know that was my plan. I think it had a good effect, at least for the last two days. We've been in better quality contact this week than we were before. So loosening my death grip is actually resulting in me getting more of the relationship I wanted. I fear losing him less. I hope that lasts longer than a couple of weeks.
D13 wrote an essay for school about our divorce and although she expresses a lot of sadness and anger, she also says things are better now than they used to be, that she's proud of me and her brothers for pulling ourselves together (I hope she includes herself in that, but she seems to be doing better), and how much she likes My Guy. That made me happy.
D13 also found a box of framed photos and was showing them to me and My Guy one evening when she found a collage from my wedding and honeymoon. She was kind of embarrassed and said "Oh, I guess you don't want this anymore" and handed it over to put in the stack. My Guy looked at it very carefully -- just as I did when I saw a picture of him at his wedding. He looked so happy in that picture, and I loved seeing it. It made me happy to see him looking so happy (even though he was marrying somebody else!!!) I wonder if he saw the same thing in my pictures. Because I was so happy on that day.
This evening S10 was having a really hard time clearing up his room. I told S10 that he could have the collage of me and his dad if he cleared up enough to make a space for it. His room looks a hundred times better and he was very relieved to get it. I feel guilty for not having offered it to him sooner. I don't know why I don't think of these things before a crisis hits.
This thing called life is so interesting. We mess up and try again. Or we don't try again and we stay miserable. This divorce is something I never, ever wanted and wasn't sure I would survive, but every single thing about my life is better because of it (except the amount of sleep and exercise I get!!). I am so fortunate.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
