First, I don't think this has anything to do with what you deserve. You don't deserve this.
And this is obviously a very personal decision.
In my opinion, marriage and kids changes the commitment level, and that means working through some of the things that would end a dating relationship. And I believe that sometimes "working through" looks an awful lot like waiting for your spouse to be willing to work on it with you.
Your H sounds like some of the MLC stories, which often involve a lot of time in limbo.
If you can be patient, he might come out of the fog.
That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Can you share some examples of ways in which you feel like a doormat? We might be able to offer suggestions on how to handle those pieces to make the waiting not so awful for you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks, Rose. I agree that the commitment level changes a lot once kids are in the picture. Just like I was the world's best mom before I had kids, I always said that if there were infidelity in a marriage, it would be a deal breaker and I'd be out.
I do feel like marriage is forever, and barring emotional or physical abuse or some other major life changing event, a couple owes it to themselves and their children to try to keep the marriage and home in tact.
For what it is worth, my husband did indicate he plans to return to therapy with me this evening. I'm still not entirely sure what it means - I imagine we will talk about formal efforts to reconcile and work towards repairing things. I'll keep everyone posted.
The part that I really struggle with is his having a separate apartment. He did this without my knowledge, signed a 1 year lease, and is paying rent on a place - basically has an escape plan. It is just so hurtful that he did that, and also to me, makes it really difficult for me to trust that he is committed to working on things while he has one foot outside the marriage already. maybe I need to just not think about it that way.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
On the other hand, he could easily leave at any time, and yet every day so far he has chosen to stay.
Not sure if this helps, but I went through a period of a year or two when I dreamed of getting my own apartment. It had nothing to do with my marriage and everything to do with lots of people in a small space and a growing need for peace, quiet, and space.
I never did it, but boy was I tempted.
On the other hand, my H seriously considered getting an apartment in a nearby town and splitting his time, and I know that felt like a knife in the gut.
Hang in there.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Counseling went well. He says he's ready to work on things. There is still uncertainty, of course... He doesn't know if it will work. I'm ok with that, because I don't know if it will work either. But he's willing to try, and he has committed to stay while we try.
I'll take it.
He did say that he realizes his choices could hurt a lot of people, apart from just the two of us. That is a big admission for him... It is the first time he has acknowledged that. He had really minimized how much this would hurt the kids and our friends and family. I think his acknowledgement of this is a step in the right direction.
We are probably about 15 months in since things started to really go off the rails. It feels different. I am hopeful.
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
So this weekend he was all moody and distant. This morning I asked him what was up, and he said that he's not in a good place, doesn't know if he wants to return to counseling, and doesn't feel like he belongs in our life.
Of course we had to get the kids to school and go to work, so now we won't have an opportunity to talk until later this evening, probably 7 or 8PM at the earliest. I'm going out of town for work Tuesday - Friday. We have tickets to a show together Friday night, which he says he's looking forward to seeing with me.
So . . . just trying not to freak out and assume the worst. I'm not sure what to say, if anything, at our talk tonight. I guess I'll just listen to what he has to say, affirm his feelings, and not really push anything. Any other advice?
H39, W39 T18, M16 S9, S7 EA suspected 11/15 ILYBINILWY 1/16 Counseling 1/16 - 6/16 EA confirmed 1/16, ended 1/16 H signed lease to move out 8/18/16 (day before our anniversary)
