It was just before Christmas that my last thread, Are the Pieces Really Coming Together?, locked up without myself getting any closer to an answer to the title, although I was getting hopeful. However, the cycle again repeated itself starting with the second day of the new year and I’m finding it harder to remain positive. I could see it with my titles to each thread I started with each getting more negative than the last:
So with my balance wavering with more and more self doubts as to whether I have made the correct choices over my nearly two years of Dbing, I decided to start this thread untitled in hopes to start fresh and regain some positive prospective that I can believe in.
[WARNING: This is gonna be long]
Since my last thread, there’s been quite a few new “face” that have moved into “Piecing” and so any of them that are interested but to spare them from sludging thru the “history”, let me just say ... bomb about wanting a S and about EA came 2½ years ago with bigger bomb of wanting a D & PA coming 3 months later. 3 months later, I discovered DR & this bb as started Dbing although I had already started backing off and 180’s a couple months before (just didn’t know all the jargon). In June, 2002, she told me A was over and she wanted to work at M again. All was great until the following winter at the beginning of 2003, where CAW fell into a deep depression. I discovered she had recontacted OM in March. Steadily thru Aug., she continued to push further away to the point I discovered a “Dear KAW” letter. Despite all that, I learn to dance in the minefield while waiting for her to make her choice.
In Sept., it all suddenly turned around again only in Oct. for the winds to shift yet again. This is when D19, warned me to expect on day for CAW to leave for OM. I stayed my course and keep Dbing with the style I developed over the past year. Just before Thanksgiving, CAW again suddenly moves closer. It becomes like the year before, when she stated she wanted to work on M and lasts right up to the New Year.
UPDATE: I was beginning to hope that maybe contact with OM was ended just before Thanksgiving as his phone number was no longer showing up on her cell phone bill. If you remember from my last thread, I had mentioned how she had hidden a pocketwatch she bought and had OM’s initials engraved on it in October. Up to the second day of the new year, it continue to sit there. I had hoped it meant that she had changed her mind about giving it to him and hoped it meant she was letting it die. When the watch disappeared, it was on the day where she cleaned out her dresser where she kept it hidden. I thought she tossed it and later she went by herself to get her hair done. Again, from her cell phone bill, I found out she had call him while she was out and he had called her back. It appears they got together and she gave him her gift. The next day, I noticed once again she had taken off her wedding rings and put them away in a jewelry box. After that, the calls to him increase in frequency into February and she again continued to get more distant with me and more depressed again. Again the same cycle was repeating itself. How I have come to dread this ... not another year like the last two!
With CAW being distant, I didn’t know what to do for Valentine’s Day, so I decided to play it low-key. I picked up a flower arrangement and a simply-stated card night before and arranged them on the diningroom table show she would see them when she got up and came to breakfast D10 & I made for her. She totally ignored acknowledging the flowers and the card. She never done that before and would at least say “Thank you” ... boy, did that hurt like I haven’t felt in nearly two years! A few hours later, I noticed she opened the card and stuck it back in the envelope and left it on the table and never said a word.
The first weekend in March, CAW received a package from stepD24 (CAW’s daughter from her first marriage). Inside where Valentine’s gifts for both CAW and D10 along with a letter. A couple of days later, I found the letter on the floor and picked it up and read it. In it stepD24 wrote, how she’s sorry how CAW feels life sucks and wishes she could be where she wants to be. (Yes, I can’t help but to interpret it as meaining wanting to be with OM.). The next part was more disturbing, where she wrote that a year is not all that long to wait and then she will be able to move back here and they will be able to go off on their own as they have talked about.
To validate even further where her mindset has been, this week I came across an entry in D10’s journal ...
“February 3, 2004 Worst day ever. My mom is going to leave my dad for a stupid spanish guy”
... and all the hurt came back. Not just mine, but I now heard my D10’s pain in those words too. Damn tears ... I gotta take a break ...
