Not so lost now take 2

[Jer2911]

...What I found hard is even tough I know we had a great time I was struggling to feel really happy. It was only towards the end that I really felt at peace.

I know that feeling. I work hard to do fun things with my kids and we always have fun, but underneath, somewhere inside, there is always a certain level of sadness that we aren't doing all of this together as a family like we used to.

I am doing so much better these days than I was in the beginning, but I wonder if this is a feeling that will ever go away. I wish I could tell you that it does, but I am so unsure of that myself right now...

...why did she had to go for a married man. She isn't bad looking and I'm sure she gets a lot of attention from men, so why my H?

I've have read so much about how the AP is similar to the MLCer... that they mirror something inside of themselves... I don't necessarily see that in my sitch. Instead, like you, I wonder "why my W?" The OW in my sitch (we are/were a same-sex couple) is 20 years younger than us and could easily have found someone her own age because she is very attractive and very intelligent -- and from a different country which means it would have been so much easier to just find someone closer to her geographically than to engage in the online EA which eventually became a PA (she moved here) with my exW. And yes, in my case the OW knew all about me and initially was told by my exW how wonderful I was and how much she loved me and appreciated me in her life... My exW's opinion of me changed very quickly as the EA progressed...

Most of us will probably never know why the OW/OM made the choices they made with regard to getting involved with our spouses. I doubt I ever will but in my process I have accepted that and just placed my faith in God (my personal belief) that this is all part of the plan and part of the paths for each of us individually.

So in your case, if you will never know the answer, ask yourself what you need to do to be okay with never knowing and to be able to move forward in spite of it.