I have so many emotions and feelings that I cannot seem to understand today. Nothing specific happened. I woke up from a dream with W..as always she decided to come back. but as always, just a dream. I got this weird gut feeling most of today. I'm angry. at my wife and just in general. frustrated. sad. worried. anxious. tired. I visited with my dr and a therapist yesterday. We talked about anti depressants. As the therapist was asking questions, I zoned out, I looked around the room and just started crying. Therapist asked what triggered my crying, what did she say. I told her nothing in particular that she mentioned, I can't believe this is my life. I couldn't believe I was there and those conversations were happening. I never envisioned my life this way.
How did I get here? but most importantly, how do I get out of here?!
I don't think things are getting worse, but sure don't feel better. I'm settling into some sort of routine Monday work, then running and beers with a group, get home around 9pm shower and bed. Tuesday work, soccer practice with D, get home around 7pm and do things around my room or netflix or study Wed work, D, get home around 8/30 do things around my room or netflix, or study Thursday work, happy hour with a friend, get home around 8 pm, do things around my room or netflix or study Friday work, soccer practice with D, meet with a friend for happy hour until whenever. usually 9/10pm, then bed. Saturday and Sunday I try to fill up with GAL activities. Sunday I definitely take a few hours to study/homework.
Yet somehow I'm still not content, or remotely close to happy. I'm ok. I don't want to be just ok though. I'm waking up and doing what I have to do, but only because I have to. I have to go to work because I have bills to pay. I have to go running because I need to GAL. I have to GAL because It's supposed to help but when does it actually get better? Out of the whole week the only thing I can say I do because I want to is spend time with D (the few hours on Wednesday I'm allowed.) I don't know what else to do to actually feel better. I feel stuck. I don't what this life I'm creating but I'm at a loss for how to make it more "mine" and for it to make me happy.
