Trying to detach - part deux

[Altair]

It IS chicken and egg-- how can I change X way of communicating if we don't communicate?

Yes I am hanging like a sheet in the wind. He is still depressed, still working on IC, kept saying "I feel like I am being forced to make a decision. I don't know what I want." He said that IC said something like, "at some point, you will need to make a decision" (which is why, hello, if he had coaching I don't think that would be happening!)
FWIW my IC said a similar thing, like, "you know he is not in control of everything, you, down the line, can decide to D"
So yeah, no plan, no nothing. He's all, "I'm worried about you."
I have no idea if this was 180s or DB or anything. I can only say I didn't attack or criticize him.

[hawker]

You seem to be doing better Coly!! I am glad...if you want to get off the roller coaster then get off. ((hugs)) Let him be and let him figure it out, keep going forward for you and your D!

[Coly23]

((Altair)), this is just not what you need!

DB is no R talk so maybe next time he asks you for a coffee or lunch in a public place tell him you do not want to talk about your R. It is just coffee or lunch that's it. It's like that scene out of Jerry McGuire when he gets sacked in the restaurant so he can't cause a scene!

I'm cross because it feels like he railroaded you a bit knowing you will get upset :0( . You know, next time he asks you say you are busy and only go when you are ready and you feel strong enough.

[BluWave]

Altair,

When H is wayward and not ready to come back, he may unintentionally set you up to fail. He is most likely doing this to absolve his own guilt. That way he can tell himself, "But I tried everything I could. I did my best. I gave her a chance. She hasn't changed!" All this does is justify his behavior and cause you more hurt. Don't let it.

So before my H came back and we started piecing, there were several "failed attempts." For example he 1. went to MC with me (even tho we didn't work on the M). 2. he left OW and went no contact for a couple months (he dangled me by a thread and did not work on the M), 3. he would make comments suggesting how much he cared about me, how guilty he felt, how he deserved to be happy, BS, etc, etc. I can see now that all this did was cause me more hurt, more anxiety, and prevented me from taking care of ME!

I wasn't able to feel safe and move forward until I went dark. Well we have kids so by dark I mean as dim as I could go. All the other carrots and false hopes only hurt me more. Why? Because it was WH that was setting me up to fail! He did this so he could try and absolve some guilt. "But I tried!" He didn't try until much later when he did his 180 and we entered piecing. When that happened I didn't need to ask what was happening because I just knew it.

When you are piecing, you WILL KNOW it, and you will not need to ask. Until then, do not go for carrots and let them give you more false hopes. This is hard enough as it is without that additional anxiety and self blame!

Coly, sorry to hijack, hopefully this applies to you too :-)

-Blu

[Coly23]

Hawker, thanks so much, I do feel much stronger but as Altair says it probably won't take much to be dragged back onto that ride again! For now I will enjoy the calm and serenity whilst I can!!

[Coly23]

Thanks Blu, no apology needed, this has helped me loads too!

It's amazing how the WAS sets the LBS up for a fall, like I said it felt like Altair was railroaded by her H because he knew how she would react! I'm definitely going to look out for this, if it ever happens!!

[Altair]

Thanks Blu. I think you nailed it right on the head. Like Coly, I guess it's been dim to semi-dim. I gather I just stop answering texts? We go stretches of 5 days or so, then a "hope you are well" from him. I assume I don't announce I'm not going to respond, I just don't?

[Coly23]

Altair, I will leave it up to the vets to respond on that one but personally I would just not respond to him or at the most respond a day or two later. He really does have you dangling on a string and expects you to jump whenever he wants to see you.

[ForGump]

Coly23 -- a question for you, that my IC asked me: what do you like about your H? (Aside from his behavior since leaving you.)

[Coly23]

Ooh good question Gump. Okay, I like that although he is a real sports fan who is quite competitive he has/had a very soft/gentle side to him. He still is extremely generous and was very thoughtful especially at the start. An example of this was when he got into the habit of buying me a necklace to go with any new outfit I bought for a special occasion.

Oh dear I'm sat writing this in an airport waiting to go home and my eyes are threatening to spring a leak.. :0(

He is very loving and caring towards my daughter. He is a fantastic kisser which I think we stopped doing very much of and I regret that. He has the loveliest eyes, gives the best hugs and can still make my heart skip a beat!

What about your W Gump?

This list isn't exhaustive. Was that a test by the way!!