When H is wayward and not ready to come back, he may unintentionally set you up to fail. He is most likely doing this to absolve his own guilt. That way he can tell himself, "But I tried everything I could. I did my best. I gave her a chance. She hasn't changed!" All this does is justify his behavior and cause you more hurt. Don't let it.
So before my H came back and we started piecing, there were several "failed attempts." For example he 1. went to MC with me (even tho we didn't work on the M). 2. he left OW and went no contact for a couple months (he dangled me by a thread and did not work on the M), 3. he would make comments suggesting how much he cared about me, how guilty he felt, how he deserved to be happy, BS, etc, etc. I can see now that all this did was cause me more hurt, more anxiety, and prevented me from taking care of ME!
I wasn't able to feel safe and move forward until I went dark. Well we have kids so by dark I mean as dim as I could go. All the other carrots and false hopes only hurt me more. Why? Because it was WH that was setting me up to fail! He did this so he could try and absolve some guilt. "But I tried!" He didn't try until much later when he did his 180 and we entered piecing. When that happened I didn't need to ask what was happening because I just knew it.
When you are piecing, you WILL KNOW it, and you will not need to ask. Until then, do not go for carrots and let them give you more false hopes. This is hard enough as it is without that additional anxiety and self blame!
Coly, sorry to hijack, hopefully this applies to you too :-)
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
