I am not down at all. I have realized that my H and my M are not the only important things in life. This has been a silver lining and can be for us all. I completely lost sight of that for years with all the heart ache and codependency that evolved. There are so many other things and people that deserve my attention and love.
I cannot go back and relive my sitch, and nor would I want to, but I do see how I could have done things much better. I caused myself more pain and angst and I suffered tremendously while H was gone! I focused so much on him, what he was doing, and if he would come back. This is the reason that I give out 2*4s and try to get others to stop focusing on their spouse--it doesn't help and it only hurts! It also hurts their chance of the spouse returning because they lose respect for someone they can walk all over and that is sitting there waiting.
I don't think you need to worry if you would ever take him back forgive him at this point. I thought about that a lot too. There is not way to know now how you will feel if and when that happens. It is will depend very much on his behavior and commitment to the M.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
