Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Just me again, back for a bit of journaling...

Yet again, I am knee deep into research about my own history for my lawyers. Sigh. Who the heck knew that I should have kept better track of this stuff. I mean, normal people don't make plans in the event that their spouse runs off and files for D unexpectedly, right? Who knew that the boring details of a life lived together would be of interest all these years later?

All I know is that I've looked at enough old photos, logs, journals, files, etc., to have me fairly well bogged down. I saw my therapist today and when he asked me how I was, and all I could muster was a shrug and noncommittal "agh." It took me an appreciably long time to even be able to start explaining what was going on. My answer was that I have just kind of had it with everything right now. Not is an angry way, but in an "I'm exhausted by it all" kind of way. I told him that this week I just kept wishing that I could curl up in a corner for a while and hide out. I can't even remember what he said to that.

What he definitely asked about was if any traumatic anniversary dates were coming up. I told him that the first one is gong to be the anniversary of the night WH walked away, which also happens to be the anniversary of our wedding. He seemed relieved that I told him that wouldn't be until late December. He mentioned that he was concerned about me having increased difficulties as those dates approached. I said that I can't see how it could possibly compare to the difficulty I had when the initial event occurred.

I don't want to go looking for trouble, but can someone out there tell me if I"m kidding myself if I think that I'll be OK when my Walk-away/Real Anniversary rolls around? In fact, my plan is to make this as beautiful a Christmas as I possibly can, and reclaim it for my own. It has always been my favorite holiday, and I'll be damned if I let WH ruin it for a second (or third, or...) year in a row. Anyway...

I even feel just plain marginal physically. I was on my antibiotics for presumptive Lyme disease and have been feeling largely normal again, but 2 days after I finished the prescription for one of the two meds, I was right back to feeling crummy again last night - tired, achy all over, cold even though the house was 70°, sore neck, headache, this weird feeling of my skin feeling bruised all over. So.... that didn't help my mental resilience. I had enough of the same antibiotic left over from my months-long Lyme treatment a few years ago, so I put myself back on it this morning.

No idea what is going on on that front. I don't even know if it was really Lyme or something else. Shrug. I suppose I ought to call for my test results, but what's the point, really? Whether or not the tests are positive, the treatment wouldn't change. If I still feel crummy when I finish my meds, then I guess I'll have to go looking for more information... more tests, more involvement in the medical system... sigh.

Last night I didn't go to bed until nearly 5 am, so, of course, here I am, awake again at 4 am and journaling. WTF is wrong with my sleep schedule? And it's not just the schedule - I'm back to only sleeping 5-6 hours a night again, and that can be poor quality.

I really just think that there is too much reality to this whole divorce process. L-friend tells me that they usually aren't this difficult (especially in cases without custody issues, like mine), but it's harder because I am basically going through two concurrent divorces in two states. Ugh. All I know is that it has kept me fully immersed in a lot of thoughts and memories that are easier to deal with in less depth. I've been stuck looking into my past for evidence, working deep into the night drafting spreadsheets and memos for my Ls, and it's the pits. How does anyone navigate this system??? I have my own personal legal guide helping me, and I am still bogged down and left numb by the process. If I was totally on my own, then I'd have to add bewildered to my list of emotions.

All I can say is that it's been a learning experience in a subject I had no interest in learning about. I have learned that every single written word is important and carries significant weight. You can sink or swim with a few careless keystrokes in a legal document. I am reminded that honesty truly is the best policy, as I can't imagine trying to keep track of more than one story. A single truth is hard enough to convey to my legal representatives who must , in turn, convey my truth to the courts. I've learned that within all the seeming mumbo-jumbo of legal affirmations and affidavits, motions and complaints is a system that is logical and procedure-based, not emotional. I can see how a person would find fulfillment in practicing law. It's not for me, but I can see it.

So beyond all that, things are going passably well. The birdies continue to acclimate to their new free-ranging lifestyle and to the other flock members. At some point I am going to have to move them into the main coop at night, but right now I'm content to just let my two flocks mingle in daylight hours.

One disturbing/sad thing happened today. My parents had the money stolen from their veggie stand honor box. And the thief also took a single red pepper out of a basket, just for _____ (giggles, spite, what?). My parents had been keeping it stocked with about $15 in small bills for change, and some louse walked with their petty cash today. Obviously, it's not a much money, but it doesn't do much to bolster my faith in people. Who would stop in someone's driveway, take a red pepper, and then steal their cash? It's an HONOR system!!! As the saying goes, there is no honor amongst thieves.

I never leave any extra cash in my egg box, because I don't want to deal with that issue. Incorrect change just means that they have to come back later to buy eggs. That said, three times now I have gotten a $5 bill for my $3 eggs. I had been thinking how good people really are, and then my poor parents get ripped off? Sad.

So, today I went to see my local legal team to sign some paperwork, and that took quite a while, but hopefully I'll have a little bit of a legal lull for a few days because I could really use one.

Tomorrow I am going to have a root canal! YEAH! and I'm only being slightly sarcastic. This is a tooth with a very old root canal that abscessed about 6 weeks ago. It's bee quiescent lately since I've been on so many antibiotics, but I know that they are just a band-aid for the real problem. I can feel it threatening to blow up again almost every day, so I'll be glad to get it over with.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer lately. I'm just tired of everything lately, and am glad that I can vent a bit here. Thanks for putting up with me. Even if no one has the patience to read all of this, it helps me to type it out somewhere. I can't help but think that everyone around me must just be wondering when I'm going to just get over it all already. I don't want to court compassion fatigue, so I try to keep all of this blah-ness under wraps around other people as best I can.

Hope that it's been a good sort of day for everyone here, particularly my DB pals. I'm sorry that I haven't been a lot of use lately. I'm trying, but I'm just kind of keeping my nose above water again lately. No real lows, but no real highs, either. Maybe another reason to try to decrease the Prozac dosage?

It's way, way past time for bed around here, given that it's 4:30 now. Good night.