Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

OK, last round, then open again...

[quote=CT1118] were, are, want to be? Childhood of being shown I was no good combined with the ego of a young man who found success on his own led to me becoming an overachieving professional superstar who grabbed every mentor, teacher, coach, certification, accreditation, volunteer opportunity, networking opportunity, make more more successful moment I could find. The downside part of this was that I was impatient for success, aggressive in character, spoke out of turn, commanding as a leader, knowitall, and defended my professional success and time against against anything which I felt threatened or challenged it. Success in the professional world led to a general belief that I was correct about most things in my personal life. I would lead before I would follow and be damned if I didn't. Now the above is the first 30 years; it all did calm down at some point, but it did not go away. That's who I was. That led to drug addiction, stress, lethargy, and not liking myself very much, if at all. So while it calmed down, it came back with the birth of my son, flashback movies of childhood in my brain, fear I would become my abusers and arguably I got worse than I ever was - I was a drug addict, a poor husband, an inattentive father, and a narcissist - and a socially functional version of all that. So typical for the script: awarding winning professional, loved by all at work and play - failing at home. I could not fix anything from a position where I was broken, but it was from there I had to start.

So what does all of that ^^^ , look like moving forward ??

Hold onto the positive things from this. Loosen the things where it does not matter as much,e.g. do I have to get an 'A'? I do not. Continue with IC. Stay strong where strong matters, learning how to identify where strong does not matter.

How do you deal with that fear ??

Well, now, I felt I had no choice but to face it. I have been facing many fears. A head butt, head on. I cannot say enough about how many fears I have faced, tackled, and made a dedication towards conquering. Progress is seen, for example, my son got in trouble at school today. Wife said he would not tell me anything, I asked to speak with him on the phone anyway. - open book; he immediately began telling me stuff about his day. Succeed at home - working on it.

How do you look at that guy in the mirror. and say enough is enough ??

Well, that was the watershed moment wasn't it? That day has come and gone. My physical body was not even close to my mind's eye. I was a disgusting mess. Now I look and I see me, an older version which is just fine, but me. But last February, that carcass...that was not me, that guy woke me up.

How will you know if he shows up again ???

Check points were established. Once I realized I had failed, I went to everyone I trusted. Being quite short in the story here, but - Drove to my parents -"I'm a drug addict victim of abuse, you abused me". Went to my doctor "I'm a drug addict, you were my dealer". Visited friends "If I looked off, absent, or otherwise, I was high. Remember that look, help me..." Checked in with IC "I am a drug addict, I have other issues, help me..." Went to N.A. "what do you have for me, how can I help..." Came to DB - bled my pain...you will tell me.

Mach1/Eric mostly, but J3B, a bit cadet. Hey, if you are not done with me, that is cool. You are not, I would think. I am learning. I hope others read and learn. I cannot say enough how much introspection all of this has given me in the past few weeks. Just...keep pushing if you need to push. Mucho bien un gracias.