H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Zues126]

This is very good advice from Zeus. Zeus, can you define "sex starved" period more succinctly?

Thank you Altair. If you meant what sex starved means in general I'm not really sure when it crosses that line versus a valley that all marriages go through at times. There is a sub-forum with much more information, although I hope csabo stays in newcomers as there is next to no traffic over there. But I would say that when the 'lower drive' spouse feels painfully neglected and the time turns from months to years...at that point I would consider it 'sex starved'.

Note, I didn't say no sex at all. I just said when it becomes infrequent enough to leave a substantial deficit. I also don't believe it's all about frequency, if the partner viewed sex as a necessary evil, went through the motions, in a routine and clinical way, I could see that leaving a huge emotional void of feeling misunderstood and neglected as well.

If you were asking in my specific case, well, this was irreconcilable differences in action. We definitely went through stretches of 6 months or a year without sex, or any physical contact, or in some cases without even speaking. I'd say this was our normal for 36 out of the last 42 months we were together. I was defeated. I couldn't engage with her without it causing more pain. I loved her, missed her, and wanted to be with her, but I didn't know how to start. Meanwhile she did try a few times to be accommodating and when she did I felt like the luckiest and most loved man in the world, but then she'd pull away and basically say that she didn't view sex like I did, that we weren't compatible, that she couldn't be the person I wanted her to be, etc.

In the end this is probably why we're divorced now. And it's really the reason I might not date again. It was the most painful thing in the world. I'd rather be alone than to be pushed away when I open up and asking for my most inner emotional needs to be met. For me personally I couldn't have sex with anyone. It would have to be my wife, my life partner, the one person that I can open up to and trust my heart with. So I'm not going to date casually or look at sex as something I can just go and do. It would be disgusting and mean nothing to me. But I don't know that I could open up again either. I don't think a woman could really understand or accept the desire in my heart, which is a large part of who I am.

I'm not sure why, but sex started hurting about 3 years ago so became infrequent. Every time I went to the dr they gave me pills for a yeast infection but it never really helped, it so hurts to have sex.

I'm sorry to hear, this is incredibly difficult for both of you and I can see why you might be devastated and feel like you're damaged goods when he walks, and betrayed and blamed unfairly for being who you are.

First off, I know that if XW had been permanently unable to have sex it would've been possible to make it work. Not easy, it would've been incredibly hard. But possible. Because it's truly an emotional need, not a physical one. I could think of ways that we could work it out. To share fantasies together, explore each other in different ways, again, this is embarrassing for me as well but the point is that there are many ways this could have been worked out, if my partner had understood the need and made it a priority to work with me.

That said, I think it's premature to write off sex altogether. And I think that the amount of effort that should be put in before writing it off should match the amount of effort you'd put in to curing, say, paralysis from the waist down. If you were paralyzed from the waste down and the first few doctors shot from the hip and gave you pills that didn't work, would you shrug and say 'meh, I guess I won't walk again...'? Probably not. You'd make it your life's mission to figure out what was going on and get it diagnosed and cured. What if it was your husbands paralysis? Well, this is how serious it is to your H. So for you to accept the lack of sex in your relationship is basically letting him wither because you're not the one feeling the daily, hourly, pain and suffering yourself. I think this was a mistake.

I would encourage you to look into this again. Clearly the diagnosis you received didn't work. Maybe it's truly chronic and nothing can be done, but again, I'd need to hear that from a large number of different specialists that had all died trying to figure it out for me before I considered accepting that.

Shoot, it's possible that if you got this figured out this could be a big part of the solution. I worked with a DB coach and at one point she had me write WAW a letter apologizing for what I did wrong in the marriage. I am not your WAH, but only because I would never leave my M. But we did go through stretches of defeat as I mentioned. Had she told expressed understanding of who I was, what I needed, told me she'd work with me to care for me, and back that up with action...well, I don't see how I couldn't have been absolutely fulfilled and loved for the rest of my days, and I can't imagine a guy walking from that.

Don't twist my words. I don't want you to pursue, I don't want you to have expectations, I don't want you to have sex with someone that is telling you they are leaving you if it cheapens you, etc. It's a tricky situation. But I do think getting this figured out quietly on your own is a good step, and from there get a DB coach and see what they advise.

Wishing you all the best.