Mozza's own success story

[Mozza]

It was my antiversary yesterday. How could I forget: everybody was saying "Never forget 9/11"

How do I feel after two years? Very good, but scarred. And that bothers me. My life goes on and well, but I still feel defined by my separation, as if I was the victim of a great injustice and no longer the person I'm supposed to be. In my head, I still do stuff "despite the D", "because of the D", or even "thanks to the D", etc. For instance, before the D I would think "Isn't it amazing to take the kids to the museum!" and now, deep down, I know that I think "Isn't it amazing that I take the kids to a museum despite being a single parent! My XW doesn't do such marvelous things for the kids!"

I want to get over that. I don't have to be defined by my D. I'm so much more than that, and XW doesn't even deserve so much importance. So that's my next goalpost: to regain control over my motivations in life. To forget about my separation as an explaining or motivating factor for my actions.

Here's where I was a year ago.

It was my antiversary yesterday and the first few hours weren't easy. I was quite emotional about dropping off the kids at school for the week. I didn't like the symbol of my failed marriage and my part-time parenting. I've never thought it would be me and sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it is my life. I went back at lunch time to drop some stuff for D7 and held them both in my arms. D3 asked why I had tears in my eyes and I eluded the question. The afternoon and evening were better, but my productive streak is over.

I didn't cry about the D on my antiversary, but I did cry when I dropped off the kids at school on Friday. I'm still sad to see them go every second week, but I've accepted that I'm separated. Maybe last year was the same: I really cried for the kids.

There was this too:

I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.

I more rarely think about it and it bores me even more, but it's not gone. But I can't say that I don't think about having an explanation with XW sometimes. Our S was frustrating in that sense because we barely communicated about the real reasons. While I imagine it could be cathartic to have The Talk one day, I'd expect it to be mostly frustrating and disappointing: I can't see it being the big resolution that I want.

I still haven't received the D papers. It's been at the court for a few months now. I rarely think about it and plan to file them like I file any government papers.