I am really starting to feel like I am living in limbo land. It's actually not a bad thing. Its just weird. I am not sure if we are "piecing" or what we are doing. Over the last week we have stayed in the same bedroom some nights. Other nights I just go to the guest bedroom because its more comfortable actually. Monday night was the first offer of sex from W since a week or so before BD. It actually didn't happen and I am ok with that. We were sitting around patio with neighbors when all of sudden she text me "So drunk sex?" I just responded "I'm in" to which she sent back a smiley face emoji. Well by the time the first half of the football game was over it was after 10pm. I go upstairs and she says, "I am so exhausted now, you should have told neighbor to go home an hour ago" I didn't push or anything. Definite 180 for me Earlier today we were just laying in bed watching a show cuddling So all the touchy feely stuff is happening and she isn't turning it down, but its weird. I am letting her take the lead on when she actually wants to make love. This is something that I have learned from working on my verbal abusive and controlling ways. It really talks about letting them come back to you in that regard. I just don't want to live in a sexless marriage so I don't want this to become part of the norm. We are seeing MC next week and my game plan is to continue to just live in the moment and bring this up there. We have gone a while without any fights or blowups which is nice. That's the main thing I am working on. Also, she is really opening up to me about herself and her own personal journey
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Lol Rebels/Seminoles game I'm a huge college football guy
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
So W went out with girls tonight. She was a little tipsy when she got in We were laying in the bed watching football game and she was telling me about her night. She was telling me that she was talking to the girls about what her and I were talking about last night. She said that a guy came up and introduced himself and she told him she would talk to him when she was done. He came back again and one of her girlfriends who is older intervened and said she doesn't want to be touched, she's married and not interested. Said it was said kind of rudely to the guy. So of course I noticed W wasn't wearing ring. I could feel my blood pressure going up about the whole things but did not go there. I just wish my W would say something like, "no thanks I'm married, in not interested" I know that's what I do when I've been approached at a bar
Also, I know I could have instigated sex and should would have accepted. But I'm starting to realize why I'm not instigating. It's not just the working on the new me. I've realized that it's important to me that she instigates and wants me. I want to feel wanted. That's what is holding me back In he end I told her good night and glad she had fun and went to guest bedroom
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
It would take me a long time to deal with a story like that while we were trying to reconcile. Especially factoring in no wedding ring. I mean I guess it's good she told you, but still.
I hope you brought this up, at least on some level, at MC. That would be a HUGE boundary crossing for me. I'm sorry she put you through that. Otherwise, how are things?
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
cbtdad, I think it may be a good idea to discuss boundaries in MC if you haven't, I think it would be good for your W to understand them and for you to know what her boundaries are regarding other men. I'm not saying that she did anything wrong, because it doesn't even sound like she knew what his intentions were (I know the likely intention) or had a chance to say no thanks I'm married if he said anything to persue. I'm just saying that I don't know if no communication with other gender at all is realistic, maybe in this sitch it is, I don't know it's just not how I've ever felt. It is tough to think about OM hitting on the W, but trust is what's required in those situations unless they stay in a bubble.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
W and I discussed this a little bit at lunch on Friday. Things were fine during the discussion. The part that I didn't over react to when my blood pressure went up was her not wearing her wedding ring. I have zero control over some guy coming up and talking to her. I am sure she enjoyed the attention as we all do as humans. All I can do is trust that she understands boundaries and why it can be harmful to our marriage. I do plan on bringing this up again in MC on Thursday. It's definitely not something that is a boundary for me. We've had discussions about this. She works in an industry that's 90 percent males. She has a lot of platonic male friends. Her boundary as she looks for is for one of them saying something inappropriate or "crossing the line" I was having a bad day at work Saturday and I guess frustrations of no sex still building in and it can led up to a text conversation I didn't like. Here is some of it:
W: Did you rename WIFI cbtdad: They did it randomly. I'm sorry I spent 40 mins this morning on phone with them to fix wifi while son was bitching while you were sleeping. Next time I'll just wake you up W: Why didn't you give me the heads up this morning. It's kind of important when I have an exam Monday cbtdad: Your right. It's the same password W: I got that. TV wont connect and I'm trying to set printer up now cbtdad: I don't know W. Call Directv. I'm having a crappy day. just handle it Some time passed cbtdad: Did you figure it out? Are you mad at me now? W: yes and yes cbtdad: Glad you figured it out. Sorry you caught me on my 3rd deal of the day and Im frustrated that I feel like I do an awful lot now and sometimes feel taken for granted. Guess payback is a bitch W: How was that taking you for granted. I just was upset you didn't tell me this happened. W: Would you like son and I to bring you sushi for dinner? cbtdad: Not just that. Its fine. No thanks on the sushi W: Well I'm sorry you feel that way. I've tried to make an effort to not make you feel that way. cbtdad: I know you have. But we disagree on love languages. It is what it is W W: Yeah I know. And I've tried to do a little bit better but it's hard. There's so much hurt and pain and scared. I have tried cbtdad cbtdad: not saying you haven't, but I'm at a point that its wearing me down. I don't want to be in a relationship without sex. Sorry. Not sure what to do from here cbtdad: deal number 4. Plus this conversation with you. What a great day!!! W: How is our convo negative? Maybe you should take a min and reset cbtdad: idk. maybe you're right. I;m just not having a good day W: Well finish that deal and try and reset your thinking. Nothing good is going to happen when you are like this cbtdad: I know. Just frustrated in general. you aren't the only one who has experienced hurt and pain. So when you say that and you've tried, it upsets me. Not saying you haven't, not saying things are bad. Just frustrated W: ok
I didn't saying anything after that. When she says "ok" that's a trigger for me. I've noticed it and have done a better job with the texting and not blowing up in person because of this. Looking back on that text as I typed it I realized that it was foolish on my part. But the "I've tried" got to me. It came across as she tried and its not gonna change. Which then had me think what Ginger talked about with me. That regardless of what I do or who I become I may never get it back with her. That maybe the damage is too far done We did have a next text exchange yesterday. She said something about son that was nice and I responded: cbtdad: I like the new son a little:) I really like us lately. Lets keep it up W: Haha. I'm much happier. Just a few more tweaks when we can
So overall, things continue to move in the right direction. Obviously I am wanting that sexual relationship with my W. It is really hard when my LL is physical touch. I will bring this into MC Thursday. Haven't spoke about the text from Saturday and the stuff that happened with not wearing ring Patience is something I'm having to learn
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
would you say that she knows you want more physical touch and sex? If the answer is yes you have told her (I know you have) I would recommend not bringing it up for awhile. In your text, you brought up sexless marriage like a weapon, and that's not gonna help her feel it. I fully understand the frustration of just wanting them to "Really" understand your desire, and the feeling that if you just tell them one more time they will get it, but I imagine that every time you bring it up it pushes her further away. Maybe next time, play a little hard to get when she suggests it.
I would back off of mentioning it, she knows you want it, let her do it because she wants, not because you keep bringing it up. Cuddle, be playful, rub her while in bed, then back off..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
This is what I see. and I say this because I could be like you, AND I have been in your wife's shoes.
When I feel resentment build up, something tiny can set me off. I am calm as a cucumber until something small blows my top. From over here, your wife just asks you about a renamed wifi (seemingly innocent to her and over here) and you let it all out over the wifi password. She said it during your bad day and related her asking about wifi to not getting sex and feeling taken advantage of. Ouch from her point of view. ANd major props to her for handling so much in kind! She offered you dinner, validated and communicated. her dinner offer was because she could feel you were stressed and wanted to help you in a way she hoped would help.
So the way your wife acted was great. I used to try to diffuse situations like that. I finally became resentful and exhausted let became a b!tch. Not even going to lie!
My poor D9. I get overwhelmed often with my multitude of responsibilities, constant boundary and button pushing and not much appreciation. But she is a 9 year old. Sometimes she does one little thing after the 9 things I managed to remain calm mommy with, but that 10th tiny thing and I let it all out. I've learned finally to step back from the moment and really analyze what is going on, and handle it when I am calmer and less stressed.
maybe these talks do need to happen with her. But not when you are in the midst of resentment, frustration, or anger. I learned nothing good ever comes of that.
Her "I've tried" is because in that moment she felt like she failed you.
