The next man you fall in love with ... how will you know you're not repeating the same pattern? Here in the U.S. the divorce rate is 50% for all marriages and 60% for second marriages and 70% for the third. So the odds are worse going forward.
I think about what it is about me, what is it that I do, that hurts a marriage? What kind of a person am I drawn to that is not a particularly healthy type of a person? You seem like one hell of a strong woman. How are you becoming different as a part of your current process....?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Blu and the other great ladies on here (Linda etc) are fantastic on the female perspective. Guys can't give you this. (((Ladies))) - it's group hug; that's all ha ha.
Anyway, thought this was fun but good. "Train yourself to leg go of everything you fear to loose". YodaDBing!
Forgump, I have noticed traits in both my ex and my wh, people who have been through serious troubles in the past. I've done this without even noticing, and it's only recently when I've noticed. I couldn't fix my ex, and I can't fix wh, maybe that theory on women wanting to help/change a man are true.
When I first started this journey about 18 months or so, I set out on making changes. Me and wh were super codependent. We did everything together, barely even saw our own friends as we were just together, constantly. We got married and had a baby quick. And then dynamics changed, I obviously was constantly busy with baby. I feel maybe I made him feel he wasn't needed. When we began working on our r again I tried to keep some time aside to spend time with wh. His main issue has been that I wasn't there to listen to him, I would go into fix it mode and maybe cut him short and try and problem solve. I now realise, he didn't need that- he just needed someone to listen to him. I try to make sure now when he has an interaction, I use validation techniques, I LISTEN, I acknowledge I've heard him, but that's all.
Previously, he had complained that I had become negative and become self conscious, I guess that this was something that began to drain upon him. To tackle this, I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with pnd, I began medication and ic. This is something I've constantly been working on, and I feel I've come on quite far since then.
He's recently said about me being independent. I guess after the first bd, I did. I had to become the person I was to survive. Likewise now, I have to be independent. But I guess I made him feel he wasn't needed (his LL is acts of service). That's a difficult one to try and accomplish now. But I've used my GAL as an opportunity to make him feel he's doing something by looking after s so I can get out by myself. I make sure to thank him for his help/cooperation.
Surfer, never been much of a starwars fan, but I must admit yoga speaks some truth in that clip!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Let him get on without you. The sooner you make new traditions and 'norms' the sooner the pain will go away when you are reminded of things you used to do together. I remember it was terrible when I had all the firsts that were without H because I was always flooded with how we used to do this or we did that blah blah. Once my new norm started to set in things were a little better. I know it's hard! Just trust in the process ... Let him go and leave him be. Make Memories and life plans without him. He's already gone anyway.
This is so. True. Anniversary on Sunday was a first without her here. I think these things take you back to a point in time where you are really no at all healed. It is so hard to cope with that stuff when your feet are taken from under you.
Detachment is the key, but we all secretly want our WS back. It's not easy.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
T, you're absolutely right, and I plan to do something maybe at the weekend when I'm not so busy with work. Like you say, it's now about making new traditions and a new norm. I got through the anniversary surprisingly easy- because I knew it meant absolutely nothing anymore. I guess like you say, once you've gone through all the firsts by yourself for the first time it will get a lot easier.
So long as I have my children, it's on me to make things special. S is too young to understand anything now anyway. Last Christmas when wh had checked out, me and s stayed with family and celebrated. There was a tinge of sadness, but seeing s smile and have fun is what makes everything worthwhile. My goal is so long as my children are happy and aren't suffering, I will be fine.
Had a lovely dream about o Shea Jackson jnr last night, if I could just find him and have him for myself I know I'd be just fine
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
