Hi. I literally haven't visited this site since my last post. I needed a break because my mind wasn't letting me let go of things in a healthy way.
Being cheated on changes you. It shatters your world and at the same time opens you up to the world and everything it offers.
W and I are still together and still in a good place. our M is full of communication and understanding. We are no longer in counseling, and we no longer talk about the A. We don't need to because we have dealt with those feelings already.
Do I still think about it? honestly, I think about it every day. It's been almost a year since I found out and yes, I still give it head space, but it doesn't make me angry anymore; It doesn't hurt me anymore. It was something that we had to get past to make our M work.
What I really concentrate on now is how I respond and what I respond to with W when there are disagreements.
W has high anxiety. She doesn't deal with change very well. Her life growing up was constantly trying to live up to an unattainable expectation set by one of her parents. When they visit, or plan to visit, her anxiety meter goes crazy for days leading up to it. She gets stressed and she lashes out.
In the past, I would succumb to this and I would become the "emotional punching bag" because I thought that's what she needed and that I was a safe person to do that with, but it created an imbalance in our relationship. She didn't value me because I never really challenged her on what she would say to me in those moments.
I have learned to stand up for myself and it's made all the difference in the world. Not that I'm never wrong, mind you, just that I know when things are getting out of perspective.
We had a huge fight last night and it was because she was trying to "keep score." That was how a lot of our relationship went before the A and I'm not going back to that.
It was about dishes and them getting done. We had just had a 20+ person party the night before and she was impatient about dishes being in the sink. Dishes are my job and she wanted them done faster I guess, so she did them. then she tried to put it back on me saying that she's doing my jobs and that was a huge trigger for me.
we ended up fighting about the dishes and she started getting a little crazy, so I took a time out and re-grouped. It wasn't the dishes that bothered me, it was the score keeping. Like I said earlier, I'm not going back to that. She never has to do those things that are my responsibility and if she is choosing to, that's not on me and I will not be made to feel guilty about them.
I'm also not willing to sit there and go over everything else I'v done that day, week ect. to defend myself to her. I don't need to do that and I'm not willing to do it. I don't keep score with her, don't count how many time I do things for her etc. because takes away from the partnership aspect of the R.
This happens in so many Rs and Ms. People want to keep score and say "well I'm doing X and they're not doing X." it creates resentment on both sides and created un-needed competition.
She had a stressful week. She felt anxious about a bunch of stuff at work and family visiting the day before.
I held my own. and I stayed strong. Things worked themselves out.
Piecing isn't all "sunshine and roses." piecing doesn't mean you'll never have a disagreement again. Relationships are hard. We don't fight often, but when we do I now have the confidence to stand up for myself and say "hey! I don't deserve that!"
