Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[ciluzen]

ok. I'm going to be the bad guy (gal) here, and so with that warning, you can take what follows how ever you want to. But your post sent little chills up my back. I'll tell you why.

I don't know if you are familiar with my situation, but your post gave me a bit of insight into what could have transpired with my own MLCer, but not the way you might think. I am actually comparing him to you and your relationship with your long lost friend, although in my H's case, it was a woman he worked with.

You see, in his depression, which I noticed but couldn't help with, he decided I didn't like him. Because of this he decided to "make himself happy despite how I felt"...and then this is where the similarities between that post and mine start. He started to turn to this "friend" because she was familiar and "safe" (married with kids). He spoke to her at work, vented about us, she validated and assured him it was me not him that was the problem. She was fun and "just a friend". It progressed to them texting and talking OFTEN. He had found someone that took his mind off of our M issues, or to validate him when he did complain. So, WE never worked on them, but he will tell you to this day how hard he tried, because he talked to HER about them. He spent more quality time with her than me, in the end. And everyone who knew us watched as it happened and talked amongst themselves. Those people called it an affair. To this day, the two of them insist they are just friends, but there was a weekend spent alone out of state together,with a $250 dinner and it was all lied about. To some extent I think my H feels guilt, but it didn't cause him to drop her. Instead he dropped me.

I know this made you feel good and took your mind off of your problems for a bit, but there is a reason the people at the playland were staring. It is considered almost normal for guys and girls to be close friends these days. But it is also still considered dangerous for two married (not to each other) people to hang out alone (kids don't count) or communicate often as close friends. The more you do this, the more the other person is insinuated into your marriage relationship. If it continues, it will progress. This is an emotional affair. Some say they are more devastating and painful than a PA to the other S because of the emotional intimacy that cannot be dismissed as just sexual attraction.

It doesn't matter if your W has an OP. It doesn't matter if your M is already in trouble. It actually makes it worse. What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander. You, I assume, came here to try to save your marriage, or at least save you. If either of those are true, thank your friend, but ask her to sit back a bit until you figure things out, ie stay or head to D. Find some guys to "drink beer and watch sports with".

That's just my 2 cents. Take, leave it, or roll it around a bit. But remember why you're here. And remember your questions and statements about your wife's OM...it could be describing you.

Hope that's not too heavy handed and assuming, but it did strike a chord with me, and maybe some others as well. We're all here to help on this journey. So sometimes our observations bring a little light to a sitch. Sometimes not.