I have an IC in addition to our MC. I think you SHOULD do both. Its very clear that us LBS's have issues that we need to be talking to someone about and that someone probably should be our MC and S. The things we are struggling with are valid emotions but we probably don't need to be telling our W's that we can barely stand to look at them because all it does is remind us of the pain they inflicted. I don't know if we will ever get over that pain. Sometimes it feels like I won't. But the advice is that we WILL eventually get through it.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
No I haven't was sure if was a good idea to have IC and MC at the same time?
I wasn't in counseling very long, but I had both at the same time.
To be honest, my work with my IC had more impact on my marriage than our MC sessions did.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
blueboy - One thing I realized a long time ago myself is that you "don't" want the details. You need to look forward and not back. Remember - She came back to YOU. What happened before can't be changed and shouldn't matter (but I know how you feel).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Have you thought about what might help you find forgiveness, so that you can stop focusing on the past and look forward? I don't know, but I think time will help, and if you need it, space apart for a little time.
I know it's hard to deal with someone you loved so much doing that to you, but if you really want to be with her, if you really believe she has come back to reality and you both are going to work to have the best M possible, it's worth working to get past and find forgiveness.
Remember, even if you walked away, your not going to find someone else who hasn't been with another and that's not likely going to bother you. So the real issue isn't the sexual acts themselves, it's the why's and what's (like why did you think so little of me that you could do that, what were you thinking, etc...) that are the issue. Those feelings should be expressed and talked about until you really have a good understanding of what was going on in her head, it's very very very unlikely that she did it to hurt you, the only thought is generally how it feels so good to them. She didn't do it to hurt you, she did it because it felt good to her.
I had a M male friend who was involved in an A, he said that the sex didn't mean anything to him and wasn't very good, but he felt alive with all the covert operations that surrounded the A. I'm sure a woman would say it wasn't the sex, it was the emotional stimulation, the feeling of being desired, etc. I don't think either sex would say I did it because my S is a scumbag and I wanted to hurt them.
So knowing the sexual information isn't necessarily going to do any good in getting past what you are resenting, because what really matters is the how did it make you feel, what could I do to make you feel that way, what would you do if you start to feel that way towards someone else in the future, etc.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
We had a really nice weekend with lots of nice family and couple time. MC session are going as well as can be expected.
In bed last night W said she was mortified with what she has done, and thanked me for loving her and that she wants to be a mum and W we can both be proud off!
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
