Pathway Change

[J5K]

Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!

I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better

I hear you Blueboy. I'm in the same boat and it F'ing [censored]!
One thing I've realized (because Sandi pointed it out to me) is that although I had forgiven my W for the A, I have NOT forgiven her for the betrayal. And that is going to be a tough one for me because I'm angry about it. I'm pissed as hell about they betrayal and the deceit. How could she do this to us after nearly 20 yrs of M?
I'm sick of the the pain. I'm sick of being nauseated. I'm sick of the weight of all of this constantly bearing down on me. I want to just run away from it all as fast as I can.
For now, I'm still staying. I love my W and I want our M to recover from this. I just don't know that I can ever look at her without feeling the pain of what she did.

blueboy, LiM,

I understand that you feel that the betrayal from you W's still hurts. Try to think of things from a different perspective. You will never have the same M as before, that is in the past. Look at it from a POV that you just met your W again and rebuild the friendship. I get that most everyone on the board is following the 37 rules and is practicing tough love which I fully agree. The thing is, our W's also fell in love with us because we were also kind, caring and compassionate. Think of it like you are on your first, second, third dates with them. Did you know them well back when you first met, no, but you took a chance and gave them the benefit of the doubt to build an R with them.

Do not let your fear of this POSSIBLY happening again get in the way of rebuilding the friendship. All the DB coaches I have spoken to have said you cannot have an R/emotional connection again until you are friends with your S.

Treat it like a business, you go into it with a partner and you are all business (no emotional connection), eventually as time goes on the business partner R turns into a friendship, then hopefully someday over a long period of time that business and friendship with turn into a full blown R again.

Appreciate that your S's still live under the same roof as you and that there is opportunity for them to see the changes you are making and becoming the best H's an S could have whether it is with them or not. Life is too short to overanalyze every action someone takes and it is up to you to decide how you would like to respond to those actions.