She told you before to stop your negative behaviors and you didn't. Just because you now have "woken up" to how bad things were for her doesn't mean that she still has to follow your pace. It's like you expect her to do what you want when you want. This is her way of getting away from that control.
Too many times I've seen LBSs get caught up in their anger, yet they forget their spouse hinted or told them about the problems before the bomb drop. Yet the LBS just ignores it.
She told you about the things that bothered you and you blew it off. Would you want to live with someone who doesn't listen to your needs?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When I first started posting I was told to stop being so hard on myself. That both parties have contributed to the problems in the marriage, however small. Now that I am acknowledging that she had a role in bringing about this divorce situation - you are telling me I am wrong. It was my fault entirely.
We are taught here that fully allowing yourself to grieve is an essential part of letting go and arriving at acceptance. Feelings of anger, resentment etc. are part of the grieving process - and now that I’m experiencing them you are telling me that I have to suppress them.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Try to avoid taking any action until you go 90 days without any major changes of outlook.
I would like nothing better than to not deal with this stuff for 90 days. but unfortunately I am forced to deal with her lawyer's demands and every day in this divorce situation there is some new b***t that I have to deal with. This week I have to move back into our old house.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I didn't tell you that you are 100% wrong. I told you that you are unstable and shouldn't act like you have it figured out.
I didn't tell you not to respond to lawyer's demands. I am talking about conclusions you make about you, her, R talks, whether to keep standing, and DB related decisions.
I didn't tell you to repress emotions. I told you to not act on them like they were true.
I know you're going through a lot but I don't want you to take it out on people trying to help you. But I can't control you, I can only control myself by setting boundaries. Just understand why I might not be posting here again.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
She told you before to stop your negative behaviors and you didn't. Just because you now have "woken up" to how bad things were for her doesn't mean that she still has to follow your pace. It's like you expect her to do what you want when you want. This is her way of getting away from that control.
Too many times I've seen LBSs get caught up in their anger, yet they forget their spouse hinted or told them about the problems before the bomb drop. Yet the LBS just ignores it.
She told you about the things that bothered you and you blew it off. Would you want to live with someone who doesn't listen to your needs?
I think a few days ago, I brought this point up, again, maybe at not the best time, and I apologize for that.
You should only own your own stuff and not be so hard on yourself. She should own her stuff. But when you say "I came to her ready and sorry and she unilaterally decided she was done"
When she came to you, mentioned the things that bothered her, things that needed to change in the relationship, in a sense you walked away by taking no action and blowing it off. that's how she perceives it. You were done by not taking action.
Yes, the final decision of divorce was hers. She is not ready now as you were not ready then. You were not at her pace then, and she is not at her pace now. The whole blame does not lie on her, nor does the whole blame lie on you.
I know the separation of the family is crazy painful. I happened to walk by a chuckie cheese after going in to buy balloons for my D's 2nd birthday for when she got home from celebrating her Bday with her dad. I had no clue what they were doing. Well, I found out when I saw my D, my ex, his OW celebrating in chuckie cheese. I watched my daughter's second birthday from the outside and wanted to die.
My D's bday is tomorrow and since that day, my ex and I made a pact that it is just the 3 of us on her bday.
I know your pain, I really do. Sometimes we look for anyway to ease the pain. We think maybe totally blaming ourselves, or totally blaming our spouses will ease it.
I would have been the WAW one day. Our m wasn't good, he was awful to me since we were dating. But I wouldn't have walked. I'm pretty sure of it. I would have lived in misery, and maybe regretted it one day. That's why for the second time around, I am taking everything I can from DB to make the best decisions for myself and relationships that I can.
I know the separation of the family is crazy painful. I happened to walk by a chuckie cheese after going in to buy balloons for my D's 2nd birthday for when she got home from celebrating her Bday with her dad. I had no clue what they were doing. Well, I found out when I saw my D, my ex, his OW celebrating in chuckie cheese. I watched my daughter's second birthday from the outside and wanted to die.
I think I read this story in one of your threads. It is crazy painful. I was thinking that more than the sadness of losing my significant other - at this point I am mourning the loss of an idealized childhood that I wanted for my kids that is just gone now. Dad will not be there all of the time and mom will struggle and there will be step parents along the line to confuse everything even further. What makes it even more gut wrenching for me is how cheerful and loving they still are around me (bless their heart), despite all of these changes happening all around us.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I know the separation of the family is crazy painful. I happened to walk by a chuckie cheese after going in to buy balloons for my D's 2nd birthday for when she got home from celebrating her Bday with her dad. I had no clue what they were doing. Well, I found out when I saw my D, my ex, his OW celebrating in chuckie cheese. I watched my daughter's second birthday from the outside and wanted to die.
I think I read this story in one of your threads. It is crazy painful. I was thinking that more than the sadness of losing my significant other - at this point I am mourning the loss of an idealized childhood that I wanted for my kids that is just gone now. Dad will not be there all of the time and mom will struggle and there will be step parents along the line to confuse everything even further. What makes it even more gut wrenching for me is how cheerful and loving they still are around me (bless their heart), despite all of these changes happening all around us.
Yes, the idealized childhood and family life is a hard one to let go of.
Good news is though, they are cheerful and loving around you because that's actually how they feel. We do think their worlds are going to crumble around them, but if given strong parents and tons of loves, their world won't crumble. (even ONE strong parent) Will certain things be difficult? Yes. My D had had a rough periods. she hasn't been in one for a while now. But really, she is a well adjusted kid.
I am mourning the loss of an idealized childhood that I wanted for my kids that is just gone now. Dad will not be there all of the time and mom will struggle and there will be step parents along the line...
I feel the same way. Makes me angry that my MLC-WW thinks this is not that big a deal, that it's all worth her getting her way (and not trying in any meaningful way to prevent it.) Makes me realize how self-centered she is, ultimately.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
