Divorce. Thanks Obama

[MrBond]

Finally clarity is setting in. You realize what you did to hurt the marriage. Now what did you learn from it and what do you think you can change now? This will help you in your interactions with your wife.

[Mach1]

Thanks, yeah that's a good point. I really want to put this all behind me and be happy again somehow, even if it's really over between us. It would evenWILL be great to just WHEN I feel happiness again being alone.

Fixed that for ya ^^^

[SH_]

It's good to see the qt I know in the midst of the fog starting to put it together.
You have some wise supporters here walking you through.

Keep taking it one step at a time.
The room is slowing down for you and you will be able to focus forward.

[Surfer]

QT

All of us did what you did, to a greater or lesser extent. Being selfish with time, saying insensitive things (often due to ignoring them and blurting out what you 'feel' as such), not wanting to spend time with her friends (they are hers not yours after all; I really don't like some of my W friends, she has some lovely friends but the ones she hangs with now are WW themselves, they just don't see it) - in short did it and get it all. Even the fitness time at the gym - for me (only did one marathon - not really built for it, too much of a mesomorph, rubbish time but enjoyed it).

Many of us also did the drug thing. With me it is binge drinking. I go out and I will drink a few pints rather than one or two. Don't get me wrong, I don't drink 20 pints or a bottle of spirit etc but it is not good. A habit that stems from a long history of binge drinking at university then as a young professional, it's rife in society. So as you say, either pack it in or cut down, change your habits. That's one of my goals. Tricky though when GAL, most of my social life, revolves around drinks - yesterday drinks, tonight birthday drinks and a meal...don't get me wrong, I'm not the guy that's an embarrassment who throws up or is all over the place. In fact I can handle it very well. But I know it's not good. I did have a few glasses of wine on a night when we were living together and while it relaxed me my W did not want one so perhaps it made my W feel detached. I regret that - a little but I am human and normal so I don't stress too much over it. Just something I need to be aware of and work on. I also don't really believe in being 'an addict'. I believe in bad habits. We are defined by them. Change the habit, change the man.

So, in short, I am not seeing one thing you need to beat yourself up about. I am seeing some great opportunities to look at yourself though and some very definable goals - a gift my friend!!! Be the best version of QT....you know the drill.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Finally clarity is setting in. You realize what you did to hurt the marriage. Now what did you learn from it and what do you think you can change now? This will help you in your interactions with your wife.

Ha ha l, just realised Mr Bond said this without the waffle! Great work....:)

[qt4x11]

If my wife wants to leave me, what can I do about it? Nothing. If I try to say or do things to make her change her mind, it only makes me look worse and makes her more determined. I’ve kind of given up at this point, I feel like I’m just torturing myself and it’s only pushing her away. So I’m just trying to stay busy and ‘work on myself’. It’s been grim. I feel like the best I can do is to not think about the divorce as much as possible, but keeping myself busy is not doing much to lift my spirits. It just helps me get through the day. On top of that I keep thinking about the kids and how their world has been absolutely turned upside down because of the selfishness and vindictiveness of my wife. At this point I have a lot of resentment towards her. She goes around acting like she’s the world’s greatest mother, and when it comes down to it she doesn’t give a d*** about her kids, or her marriage vows. In the end the most important thing to her is walking away with half my money, her ‘independence’, ‘finding herself’, whatever the f*** that means - probably what that means is going out to bars with her stupid friends, trying to recapture the single life, and dating guys to find the next person to take care of her.

This weekend was my daughter’s birthday, my brothers and cousins helped me plan a get together for her at Gameworks Sunday afternoon, which is like a classier version of Chuck E. Cheese. Basically we ate (pretty good) bar food and pizza, and the kids ran around and played video games for a few hours with their little cousins. Everyone had a blast. I’m still sort of a mess emotionally, I’m not fit to be around people really, if I had my way I would not leave the house or interact with anybody, even my close family. This is my little girl’s birthday however, so I did my best to be there for her so she would have a good time. Things got messed up, though. I lost track of time because my son drained my phone of all its batteries, and I had to rush my kids home because their mom was supposed to pick them up at 7 and we were running a half hour late. I took the kids and left abruptly, I think everyone was surprised that we had to leave so suddenly. I went from having a really special day with my kids, to feeling rushed and stressed out. The divorce situation continues to hang over everything and spoils whatever small amount of happiness I have in my life.

My daughter did not want to leave, she wanted to enjoy her party with her friends, but we were late for ‘the exchange’ with my wife. My kids were telling me on the ride home that they wanted to stay with me. I wanted them to, but of course I have no say in this situation. It’s still a huge shock to my system to have to ‘exchange them’ with their mom every week. These are kids that I fell asleep with every night, attended to every minute of their lives, and woke up every morning with them somehow crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night. To not be able to see them or even know what is going on in their lives 50% of the time is a hell on earth for me. When my wife pulled up to pick them up, I left all of their suitcases, carseats, toys, and backpacks on the front porch, kissed my kids and told them to go out to their mom. I didn’t want to see my wife, I’m hurting right now and I can see that my kids are hurting, they’re confused and in shock at all of the major life changes that my wife is putting everyone through. For no other reason that she doesn’t care enough about us to want to work on the marriage and fight for her family.

[MrBond]

You're letting your resentment cloud your own judgement and you're beginning to change history yourself. Go back and read your first posts. You contributed to the problem. You don't want the anger to take over.

[qt4x11]

But when I started posting I took all the blame and had guilt for everything. That was not the full story either The other half of the story was that she gave up on us.

[qt4x11]

She gave up on us, and when I was standing in front of her saying I'm sorry and please let's work on this, she chose to ignore it and in doing so changed everyone's lives unilaterally, those two kids lives especially.

Are you saying I had more clarity in June when I started posting? I have a different perspective now, and more things have happened.

[Zues126]

And you'll have a different perspective in another 60 days. And another, and another.

It will be years before this stops being a daily part of your life, something that you'll reflect on and continue to try to understand in different lights. So don't etch anything into a stone tablet, because you are very early on, and you're still bouncing around like the needle on a scale you just step on.

I always think of newcomers as people at a party that have had too much to drink but insist they can drive home. Nothing wrong with having a few drinks. Nothing wrong with being loose. But there is a big problem with jumping behind the wheel. That's when lives get changed. Unilaterally as you say. Don't let that happen. Understand you are not in a spot to be making life changing decisions right now.

Keep processing, keep posting, keep trying to understand what is going on. That is good qt. But while I know your emotions are overpowering and things look really clear right now, be careful in believing them to be true. Stay calm. Try to avoid taking any action until you go 90 days without any major changes of outlook.