Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

Some journaling and updates to stay to my plan.

It has been a nice weekend.
D6 just adds so much joy and happy to me and my humble abode.
I know she is out of sorts with the current situation, but she sets the example for knowing that joy and peace are a choice and come from within.
She stays in the moment and is thankful for what she has. She may bug me to death at the store about getting her this or getting her that, but she is never angry or sad if and more often than not when I do not provide for her requests.
She still loves me just the same and will giggle and tease me and give me hugs and smiles and tell me she knows how it makes me and her happy.
She works to understand the time and days that she will be with her mother and with me and looks forward to each, while enjoying the moments with each.

How often do we hear, that we should look to children to re learn the simple lessons in life that bring comfort and joy?
I am now beginning to understand the wisdom in this.

D18 has been on a path that is headed straight to success in so many things.
Since her breakdown a couple of weeks back she has implemented a plan to be more aware of her self and her inner feelings. She has created opportunities for herself to fail and succeed in several aspects of her life such as professionally, personally, socially and with her family.
Her part time job has become full time and her young boss is teaching her the ropes as it relates to running a business.
She has taken control of her social situations by pushing herself to meet new people, being aware of her own projections of loneliness or discomfort. She studies it, applies it, learns from it and pushes on.
She came home early from church today and told me we needed to talk. She said that this morning she was feeling the need to manage her time in a way that would ensure time with her sister, with her dad and with her mother. She felt this was being lost in her busy schedule. At church there was a lesson on the value of time with family and so she felt that she needed to do something about it.
She came home, shared with me and asked if we could set up a schedule/plan to help her.
She is doing well and has been in a peaceful and calm state daily since that evening.

The examples of my children bring such great joy to me and to be honest, sometimes have me asking what I ever did to deserve such wonderful little people to be be placed in my charge and care to raise.....
God is good to me.
In spite of the challenges I have faced, I must push forward and make something of all of it, so it is not for nothing.

D18 spent Saturday morning with her mother . She said she had a nice time.
Later she shared some concerns and they are the following.
Her mother is struggling she says.
She crashed her car.
She hates her job and does not know what to do as she has to stay for many more years to get the retirement.
She has no friends and spends most free time with her brother.
Many of her supporters from her decision to divorce have fallen off.
She spends her money to "decorate" her small rental home and other frivolous things.
She complains that her garden keeps dying.
And the most bizarre update is that her mom sleeps with pepper spray as she is afraid.
She told D18 that a car drove up late one night and parked in front of her house with the headlights on and sat there for 20 minutes or so. They then took out a phone and took a picture and drove off.

My heart breaks. It breaks, because this was a happy go lucky woman for so many years and now she is angry, bitter, scared, sad, paranoid even and yet she is doing very little for her self.
I know. I should not worry about her. My concern for her is not to get her back, not to do anything for her per se, but it is simply that of a person that feels sad for another that I know.
She is the mother of my children and to hear the sadness in d18's voice even when she is frustrated with her mothers behavior just tears at me some.

Friday as I picked up d6, I was in the school parking lot and she brought her out to me. This was the moment that I noticed the great effort she has put into avoiding contact with me.
With no where or one to look at, she ensured that she did not look at me, acknowledge me nor respond to my pleasantry of "hello".
She stood in front of me and spoke with D6 as if I was not there.

This got me to thinking about how so many LBS comment on how they wish they could detach from the WAS/WS the way they have detached from us.

The STBXW is not detached from me.
Far too many of her emotions are focused on me.

She makes great efforts to harbor anger, resentment, and many other negative emotions towards me.
She asks D18 and D6 many questions about what I do and comments negatively about all of it.
She is in pain and much of it is self inflicted.
I see now that the many years of her complaining about co workers, family members or acquaintances were all red flags. she gossiped and spoke poorly of these folks.
I thought it was just the venting of a person to a person in confidence.
It was not.
It was poor emotional habit that has become a reality or her.
Now I am the central figure in her poor habit.
This is what unhealthy attachment can look like.

I pray for her, because I am truly at a place, where I wish her the best.
No one deserves to be so miserable.
No one.

Don't get me wrong.
I have my moments of frustration and anger.
But I identify these as my own demons.
She no longer has those puppet strings.
I pray for her.
I forgive her
I love her.
I am moving forward without her
I hope she can find peace
Her daughters deserve to have a mother that can be peaceful and in a good place.

This update is a bit longer than planned.....but in line with my wordiness and inner random run away thoughts......

I am in a good place of calm.
I seek to identify the road I will travel.
I am focused on the love and care of my 2 daughters.
I am focused on my success as it relates to profession, mission in life, opportunity to help others and to create some chapters in my story that I will look back on with pride....not regret.

Sleep well all those that read this and those that are of my tribe and great support here in this community.

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. ” James Allen