H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Zues126]

Sorry you're here. I agree with getting a DB coach, it is the best investment you could make. And I applaud you for standing by your marriage in a day when M's without children are looked at by many as being as disposable as a paper plate.

The one thing that stood out was that the topic of infrequent sex didn't come up until the second page of your thread, there was little elaboration on this, and the feeling that 'well, he doesn't want sex now so not much I can do'.

For most 28 year old males, a fulfilling sex life is a critical NEED. I am on record of saying that I think most women underestimate the importance of sex to their husband, not just by a little, but by a scale of more than 10 to 1. Who knows the number, point is that it is much, much, much more important than I think you have even begun to guess. And it has almost nothing to do with the physical release which any man can do for himself, but for many men it is the way that they feel loved.

For me, when my marriage went through a sex starved period I felt absolutely void of love. I actually felt MISUNDERSTOOD and REJECTED. Not rejected because "oh, I'm not in the mood today" kind of rejection. I'm talking the "There is something fundamentally wrong with you for being who you are" rejection. Because if she did understand how important this was to me she wouldn't have dismissed it, any more than you would not feed your dog food because you weren't in the mood. And if she didn't understand how important it was, then she didn't even know who I was, at ALL. And her failure to understand who I was made me again feel grotesque, like an alien that she didn't want to look at or deal with, so she'd ask me to wear a mask over my head and pretend to be this other person that she wanted me to be, and when my soul was crying out in anguish and starvation to just bite my tongue because she didn't want to deal with it.

Totally lonely. Totally unloved. Totally misunderstood. Trapped in a marriage with someone that had no clue who I was, didn't seem to care, and wouldn't hear me when I tried to explain.

To your WAH's comments, I remember feeling I was essentially a single man that couldn't date other women and had to pay 100% of my paycheck in support.

No one can read WAH's thoughts, but I can see how he would be warm and cold, why he would say he's a loser, and why he might be exploring dating options. He could be warm because he still has feelings for you and is probably very attracted to you, but he has learned that he can't trust his needs with you and it will only lead to soul crushing torture if he tries, so he is distancing himself to protect himself because even though you look like the yin to his yang, he knows where the road leads when he tries to voice his needs to you and is rejected. He could feel like a loser for the same reason a kid might feel like a loser if their dad walked out when they were a kid. He wants to know what's so wrong with him that you'd let him starve to death emotionally when he'd do anything for you? And he could be going back and forth with other women because on the one hand he dreams of a relationship where his needs are met, but on the other he might be mixed about feelings for you, and more likely just feels he can't trust any woman with his needs because he's been burned so many times he is shattered and protective of his inner self. Of course, he may be indeed having an affair.

I'm not here attacking you, trying to make this all your fault, or defending your WAH's actions. It is a truly sad situation and I am 100% opposed to the choices that your WAH made.

But for you, here, now, standing by your M...I think you should move infrequent sex up on the list of 180s and make it number one by a long shot. If I'm wrong I'm wrong, I know there are different love languages, but if given the choice between having a fulfilling and adventurous exploratory sex life versus a vacuumed floor, I just can't see many 29 year old men choosing the rug creases.

What can you do about it now? Well, I'd recommend you learn everything you can about the topic of why sex is important to men, sex starved marriages, what fulfilling and adventurous sex means to men, etc. Read the stuff from a man's point of view, and see if you can bridge the understanding gap. It may not seem like it could make a difference what you know, or what you think now...but I think it does. It comes out in many ways without having to have sex. He has probably subtly tested you at times, trying to determine if it was safe to open up to you, and maybe decided it wasn't because of a reaction you didn't even know you gave off...like he might have said 'you know why I can't do this anymore', and when you stared blankly he knew that you'd never understand him and therefore could never meet his needs...or any of many other little things like this. I believe if you TRULY understand this better it will show, someway, somehow. You will be more compassionate and understanding of him when he is upset, you might validate slightly differently, etc. I'm NOT suggesting you pursue him or try to show off this understanding, but he won't be able to notice if it's not there, and even if he decided to come back the M might not be any better if you don't take these steps.

Hang in, keep posting, get a DB coach, and don't give up. Many long term marriages have moments like this. You can't control him or guarantee the outcome, but you can absolutely do everything possible to give it the chance to work out. You're off to a good start. Keep going!