H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[MrBond]

So from what you learned in the book, what were the problems and what have you changed?

[csabo]

Wasn't cooking/cleaning, didn't listen to him, sex was infrequent, not taking meds. I've cleaned a bunch, started cooking for myself (he said it was awkward when I tried to cook for him), can't do much about the sex atm, I listen and pay attention when he talks. He said the biggest issue is that he didn't feel loved, he felt needed. I'm not sure what to do about that at this point.

I was going through old emails and things, and came across a chat with him from the end of April, he had started talking about D then and suggested a separation and told me he loved me but needed a change and somehow I turned it back onto myself and what I needed from him and I didn't listen and I didn't change and he put up with it through May and June, and...oh my god why didn't I listen then? And now it's probably much too late. He said "I feel like I've given all I had and it wasn't enough. I'm used up and burned out" and still tried for 2 months while I did nothing!!

I can't even breathe right now.

[csabo]

In April he said "What do you do to make me happy?
You don't cook, don't clean, and we don't have sex
You spend my money
You take my time
And each day you whine and moan non stop"

I've started cooking, cleaning a lot, have a job and spending my own money now, giving him time/space, being happy/positive when I see him. He also had said "Just, try to have more fun with me, we should have fun together" so I can try that during the times we do see each other as well

If it's not too late. In April he had also said he didn't see the point in trying anymore, and after two months of it not getting better...

Sorry for two posts in a row, I'm just...really shaken up right now

[csabo]

I'm so desperate to talk to him now

[MrBond]

So why didn't you do those things before? Those are the things that make a man feel valued. Did you just blow him off or laugh at him when he told you these things?

[Cadet]

I'm so desperate to talk to him now

Keep making your changes,
Now is not the time to stop,
Show him you can be happy no matter what his actions are.

I know it sounds counterintuitive but that is what DBing is all about.

[Rose888]

I'm so desperate to talk to him now

No, no, no, no.

Don't.

Talking does not help. Action helps.

I know the changes seem momentous to you, but they are still very new. Your H is going to need time to believe the changes are real, and then he'll have to decide if that's enough for him to recommit.

In the meantime, one of the critical things to work on is learning to soothe your own emotions, so that you don't get desperate to talk to him.

[csabo]

I don't know, I was focused on other things. I didn't realize how dire the situation was or how serious he was. I always felt like the bigger house cleaning projects we would get to together.

I didn't talk to him, I called my mom and got myself calmed down before I saw him again.

[csabo]

We watched Stranger Things again this morning, he didn't reach too comfort me during the spooky parts and his body language was closed. So, that's depressing.

I feel like with the absence of the tiny bits of affection he had been showing that it feels like he was conflicted and 'on the fence' but it seems like with his deciding that he's been a loser recently that he's really just...over me completely.

It's been two months since he said he wanted to separate and it seems like just this past week he took a step further away from me. I don't know what else to do.

[Cherry]

The push pull effect is quite common. Some days they will be more open and chatty, others maybe angry and silent, closed off. This isn't about you. It's about their internal struggle they are having with themselves. This is where detaching is key, because it allows their behaviours not to affect us. Believe me, it's taken me a while to get there, but you will. Just keep focused on yourself, keep busy, make some time for you, spend time with friends.

Don't let his moods/behaviours dictate yours. Stay steady, they're all over the board, so the best thing you can do is stay steady and stable.