WW Starting to talk again. Not sure if I want her.

[Surfer]

Thread is there. You know what to do.

Surfer.

[AndrewP]

Silly question - what's she saying?

The "do I want her" question is one that I've been struggling with myself for some time now. After BD1 and especially after BD2 I was forced to take a good hard look at W and our past MR. Was there joy? Yes. Was there sorrow? Not a lot. I think that the best word that described it was "acceptable". Looking back there was a lot about W and our MR that I just accepted as part of the package. Some of it was pretty bad and had been for many years.

I presume Surfer that you have done the same hard thinking.

One thing that strikes me over and over again in this small pool of people we have here is how unlike it would seem the rest of the world when BD hits we feel that we need to continue to fight for our MR and our spouse and that in most of the cases I see here that our spouse doesn't demand an immediate D. I've been composing a post in my head for a week or so that I may let out someday about us - the proud, the few, the manipulated, the stupid - jk

[Cherry]

I thought I'd reply to you over at your new place

I'm not sure what you mean by using sex as a way of control. Like, he was trying to see if he had me where he wanted me, check I was still into him or something?

[Cessna]

not sure how this all works. Is this a new thread? couldn't reply to you surfer?

[Surfer]

I'm not sure what you mean by using sex as a way of control. Like, he was trying to see if he had me where he wanted me, check I was still into him or something?

Sex can be control. It's the strongest form of validation. Without doubt.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

not sure how this all works. Is this a new thread? couldn't reply to you surfer?

I hear you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

contol/....validation.

He was trying to control - love (quasi). The feelings you expressed. Lust. Him. You. He controlled you. Did you instigate those feelings?


No.

Surffer.

[Surfer]

The "do I want her" question

Tricky.....but why are you here.

Surfer.

[RosaLinda]

Surfer I hope your anniversary was not too miserable. Thanks for bearing your soul to us. We all understand being sad, hurt, missing your wife. Maybe you can't surf today, just float.... But this, Surfer, this is B.S.:

Inside though I just wonder. Why? Why am I really, truly, unlovable.

You are NOT unlovable. Please never ever judge your worth, your intelligence, your lovable-ness, whether or not you are a good dad, even your sanity, by the opinion of your wife. Her re-writing history, including your character, is a lie she has fabricated (perhaps unconsciously) to justify her bad behavior. Stop!

Cessna, yes, this is a new thread. The moderators lock people's threads when they have more than 100 posts on them; we're supposed to keep track of our own and start a new one when we reach that point. I'm glad Surfer hears you LOL!

I'm not sure what you mean by using sex as a way of control. Like, he was trying to see if he had me where he wanted me, check I was still into him or something?

I agree with what Surfer is saying about your H using sex as validation and control. WW use sex as a way of control -- the guy I'm dating now told me that his wife, who was a WAW and never had an OM, used sex to control him towards the end of their marriage, ie if he did not buy her something she wanted or do what she wanted him to, she would not sleep with him. Do you think this is what your H was doing?

MLC is different. If she is spewing she resents you. That's more WW.

Both MLcers and WWs (and WHs) spew like crazy

Looking back there was a lot about W and our MR that I just accepted as part of the package. Some of it was pretty bad and had been for many years.

One thing that strikes me over and over again in this small pool of people we have here is how unlike it would seem the rest of the world when BD hits we feel that we need to continue to fight for our MR and our spouse and that in most of the cases I see here that our spouse doesn't demand an immediate D. I've been composing a post in my head for a week or so that I may let out someday about us - the proud, the few, the manipulated, the stupid jk

Ain't that the truth I stood for my marriage for 5 years after the bomb, and so many of my co-workers and friends sat me down to tell me how "ridiculous" I was being. That hurt. Most of them, ironically, are bitter divorced women, who either filed for divorce the second they learned their husband had an OW or kicked their husbands out for some reason as stupid as Cessna's wife being angry because he made peas, Surfer's wife being angry because he put too much toothpaste on his kids toothbrushes, or my ex saying he did not love me anymore because I am too short.

None of our marriages were perfect, I bet. But us DBers are folks who believe in our vows, for better or for worse. And have decided to do everything we can to make our marriages work. I think it's sort of natural to waiver about whether we want them anymore or not. They sure don't make it easy, but we try to hold it together. It doesn't always work, it did not for me, but I think I'm a much better person for having tried, and that you are too!

[Surfer]

Thank you Linda.

The sadness has not gone yet. I hoped it would. It will though. Just really struggling. I just need to give myself a serious kick!

I know you know he didn't stop loving you because of your height. Most guys find shorter women more attractive okay some may be attracted to giants. I don't know many guys that are. So that is definitely BS.

Surfer.