I believe you are smart to take time to process new information. There is a link about boundaries on the post Cadet sent when welcoming you to the board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There's been a lot happening if I'm to dig deep and try to read into everything. I'm still processing the new info but I really need for someone to explain touch and go's or at least the signs of a ww that maybe reconsidering her choices. I don't want to over read anymore than I want to overlook anything that is happening in real time. Please chime in if you have experience with either, both or anything that relates. Please,,,,,
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
A touch and go in an airplane is a practice approach to a runway followed by a practice landing and then adding power and doing a takeoff so you can practice again.
This is more or less the same idea here. A practice reconnection.
I keep thinking that W maybe doing touch and his but I think I'm reading into it more than it actually is. Maybe just holding out too much hope? There is no attempt to reconcile. Besides W is still active with OM so I doubt there is anything too the general acts of kindness. I'll take them as I get them. I'm not ignoring her or being rude but have dropped my level of communication with her. It's been tough for me but I have no choice. If she's going to move out soon then I will at least be better prepared for going dark or dim.
To summarize, general acts of kindness are just that and nothing more. T&G's are actual attempts although small but attempts to reconcile? Or test the waters? Is that correct?
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
The first sign is her ending her affair. Then agreeing to absolutely no contact with OM, forever. Second sign is her show of true remorse for her behavior and the pain she caused you. Look for humbleness when she apologizes to you. Her attitude usually tells the most. Observe to see if her attitude lines up with her words and behavior. Third, is her desire to do whatever it takes to repair the MR and work for its success.
Those are the signs that count! As long as there is a third party, forget touching. General acts of kindness? Are you talking about love languages? Look Roe, that stuff will not work with a wayward. LL's work when you have a faithful, logical woman. Your W is neither! Forget these soft soap approaches. She may take advantage, but it won't cause her to desire you for her H. And.........you can forget about her showing you LL signs as long as she stays wayward, b/c she has lost the attraction. A WW may temp check her H by touching, but it's not genuine.
The M can be saved, Roe. But it won't be the old methods you used to "make up" after a fight. When you can come to terms with the fact she has to see a man standing tall and not compromising his self-respect in order to have her.........then you may be ready to do what you need to do.
Let me ask you something. Let's pretend she was giving you small touches b/c it was a sign of her LL. How would you respond?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I think "temp checking" is more in line with what's happening. There's no sign of any remorse for what she's doing. At least not outwardly so I really don't know what's going on in her head or heart. OM is still actively in the picture and she is bringing our kids around him regularly. One of 2 things could be happening. Sandi, is it possible that she could be trying to change the dynamics of her relationship w/OM? Are there subtle signs that would show she is struggling with guilt or maybe having an awakening? Or do I just forget all subtleties and assume that her waywardness is here to stay?
As far as soft touch go's,, I'm really not sure what my reaction should be? Right now during the times that I am questioning if there is an attempt of T&G, I try to just accept and not refuse the attempt or throw it back. Most of the time I just act as if nothing is occurring and leave it at that. Just like last night, she came into the living room and watched a movie with me, just the 2 of us. She kept her phone with her and was texting on it part of the time. I acknowledged her watching the movie with me and we had small discussions throughout the movie which she was happy to join in. Then today business as usual and openly rude behavior. She still avoids time and space around or with me which is why I am left wondering when she spends any time with me at all.
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
One of 2 things could be happening. Sandi, is it possible that she could be trying to change the dynamics of her relationship w/OM?
No, you are wishful thinking.
Quote:
Or do I just forget all subtleties and assume that her waywardness is here to stay?
As long as she has the OM.......and has everything you supply too, she won't have a reason to change from her waywardness. She is getting the best of both worlds.
I wish LBH'S would realize that WW's do not feel guilty!! She is not going to suddenly straighten up b/c she feels guilty for how she is treating you. She feels justified......not guilty.
She will never feel remorse as long as you gobble up the crumbs she throws at you, and there are no consequences for her infidelity. What brings a person to repentance? Suffering from the choices/lifestyle they make. In other words, consequences for her wrong will open her eyes and give birth to remorse in her heart.
It won't come while she continues in the affair. She has to end the affair, and may have to go through the withdrawals, before she will experience remorse and humility. But don't expect it as long as she is able to disrespect you and you are tolerating it. Please get this in your head. It is all about her loss of respect for her H, and if you continue doing what made her disrespect you in the first place...........her loving feelings will never return.
It started with your passivity with her, and it grew to her resentment and disrespect for you. Her waywardness has led to rebelling against you/MR by having an affair. Can you see why you can't continue being passive and expect a different response from her?
Quote:
As far as soft touch go's,, I'm really not sure what my reaction should be? Right now during the times that I am questioning if there is an attempt of T&G, I try to just accept and not refuse the attempt or throw it back. Most of the time I just act as if nothing is occurring and leave it at that. Just like last night, she came into the living room and watched a movie with me, just the 2 of us. She kept her phone with her and was texting on it part of the time. I acknowledged her watching the movie with me and we had small discussions throughout the movie which she was happy to join in. Then today business as usual and openly rude behavior. She still avoids time and space around or with me which is why I am left wondering when she spends any time with me at all.
So look at this ^^^^^^^^^ and tell me, what has she lost, due to her affair and her show of disrespect? You claim she has rude behavior, but you don't seem to understand she has such contempt that she doesn't care how it makes you feel. Stop acting like a docile H. She fired you! Start changing the dynamics. As long as you are passive, she will detest you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, the disrespect reared its ugly head officially when I confronted her about OM which at the time was an EA at the least. My insisting she give up the relationship triggered the next chain of events. I failed to enforce any consequences for the bad behavior. This is where it boils down too. Now I've painted myself into a corner and just don't know what to do. I'm ashamed to say but as I sit here watching my daughters soccer game. I find my W sitting across the field and sitting with OM. Im not sure how to handle this anymore without just filing. She said she's moving out soon and I'm just not sure how to save this thing. Maybe the only thing I can do is save my dignity and move on.
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
Maybe it's time to revisit that conversation about giving up her relationship with OM then? Tell her that since she says she is going to move out soon, and will not give up her "friendship" with OM, you want to live as if you are divorced, now, even before she leaves. She needs to pay her own bills, and start living as if you are divorced. And see a lawyer about your rights.
PS It's about time for you to start a new thread.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
