As we were saying goodnight, W once again sighed and said that SHE had wanted to ML last night, which at least confirmed for me that MY radar isn't faulty. I said "I know." I was loving and supportive. We briefly talked about medication options for her sore throat. She took an allergy pill last night. This morning it was still sore, but she did sleep through the night, and she said it wasn't as bad, so she'll take that medication during the day today in the hope that it'll help her avoid a sore throat tonight. She said she thought it might also have had something to do with the fact that she spent some time outside sweeping the patio yesterday - that reinforces the allergy theory.
In short, she's trying, and I can see that she's trying, and even though it's frustrating when things don't go as planned, it still makes small deposits in my love tank... I hope I'm giving her that message successfully!
Once again this morning, I found myself alone in the kitchen, looked around and saw an opportunity, so I did some general tidying and cleaning before making my lunch. Put dishes in the dishwasher, put things away, cleared the table, etc. Nothing major, I didn't do any hand-washing or anything, but by the time W came into the kitchen, it was looking pretty neat and tidy. As she came in, I was just scraping some scrambled-egg residue from the fry-pan into the garbage. She said "Honey, you don't have to do that..." and I said something like "I don't mind." She said "You don't have to go overboard... you don't have to do ALL my work for me (it'd be nice, but...)..." so I said "I'm not 'going overboard', I just want you to know how much I appreciate the efforts YOU'RE making."
Now, it's difficult to portray the exact nuance here, because I can't really put across things like tone of voice. She wasn't irritated, and there was a smile in her voice, as if she was enjoying my attentions, but I got the feeling that maybe she also feels slightly uncomfortable about it, so I started thinking that maybe I should back off a bit with the AOS and WOA, but I'm not sure. A little later, though, I remembered that "friend" is coming over for tea this morning, so I do think my efforts in the kitchen will be appreciated on that level at least. I've written about this "friend" before - she's somewhat toxic these days, although I think (I hope) I've given W a bit of an innoculation against her... I reminded W that she can just choose to ignore "friend's" complaints and jibes, and just let it roll off her back. It's going to be very interesting to hear how this visit goes, because it's the first time since before Christmas that "friend" has been to our house. Since that last visit, we've bought new LR drapes (NICE ones), repainted, and acquired a big wide-screen TV. These are all things that "friend" is likely to "complain" about, as in "oh, I wish we could afford a wide-screen TV..." (her H makes probably double what I do). We'll also be seeing "friend" at choir practice this evening. Should be interesting.
Anyway, getting back to the AOS question, I'm wondering if I should go slower? Maybe I'm "flooding" her, and making her uncomfortable? Or if I back down now, will she be like "oh, okay, I knew he wouldn't keep it up"? I once heard an analogy that might pertain here... if you're trying to start a fire with flint and tinder, you strike the flint and get a spark going, then you blow gently to get it going. If you blow too hard, you blow the fire out. Maybe I'm blowing too hard... I sure don't want to "blow it"...
I don't know, Tim. I do this stuff around the house all the time, and get very little "credit" for it from W...but I'm at the point now that I don't really do it FOR her. I do it because it makes the house look nicer, sets a good example for my kids, makes me feel better about the house, etc. And when my W says something about the house being "dirty," I just think quietly to myself, 'you may think it looks dirty (which it isn't), but imagine how dirty it would be if I didn't pitch in and do my share."
Maybe take it down a notch, if she's made the "overboard" comment, but keep on getting yourself into the habit of cleaning, etc. It's not a bad thing.
Hairdog, the male Martha Stewart of this board (minus the guilty verdict.).
Quote: ----------- She wasn't irritated, and there was a smile in her voice, as if she was enjoying my attentions, but I got the feeling that maybe she also feels slightly uncomfortable about it, so I started thinking that maybe I should back off a bit with the AOS and WOA, but I'm not sure. -----------
Maybe she is getting uncomfortable because she knows you are trying, and to her, that means she has to try too.
To most LD spouses, maintaining the status quo is probably most comfortable. The dynamics of most relationships will tend to settle them into a rut that favors one spouse over the other. Upsetting an unhealthy balance requires input :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey NOP, I totally agree with this! This is exactly what's going on at Tim's house.
Tim, I would just make sure that you are helping out with the true and pure intention of filling her love tank. If you are unconsciously doing this as a way to oblige her to you, then it is sure to fail. If you have expectations of being rewarded, then she will pick up on that and withhold.
If, however, you are doing this as a way to show your love for her, then keep it up!
Dave emptied the dishwasher the other day and didn't even get a thank you. She's testing me to see if I'm testing her. She want's to see if I'm keeping score. So. When i do things that are out of the norm around the house, I'm not going to say anything like "i'm so good". I'm just going to do it. She'll know it.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: If, however, you are doing this as a way to show your love for her, then keep it up!
Thanks, guys (and gals!). Yes, I am truly doing this as a way to show my love... I do want to communicate to her in HER LL as much as I can. I don't think I'm keeping score, that's not the point. So, I will continue, and see what follows...
Also, last evening at one point we were watching TV, and she started sniffling. I jumped right up and brought a box of Kleenex for her. The experiment continues...
