Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[CT1118]

Mach1 - was not finished with these, so will answer some more before addressing your follow up on the first few.

How did control issues affect your marriage ?

Better yet, how do you see control issues playing into your life??

How has control, defined WHO you are ?

Affected M? - I certainly tried to control the money, which I saw as a defense for the family. Her money skills are abhorrent and she spent w/out regard for actual existing money. I really wanted her to help me balance the money, but she never wanted to - would just scream about how much she earned and what she deserved (not always, not in the past, but when things went due south about 6 months before S). I never tried a different approach, in reflection, I could have tried different communication approaches. I grew up financially humbled and was downright poor and living in ghettos for a large chunk of my 20's - I was hypersensitive to never going back. Irony, became middle class house poor in the wealthy suburbs. In addition, grad school - which I think I most likely covered the ego over that in my initial replies. I turned her off in the name of my goal(s). She said I didn't listen - she was right. Sh said I tried to fix everything - she was right, when I did listen I heard problem and tried to fix them as quick as possible so the world could get back to quiet.

Into life? if the above is not enough, control played into life in the worst possible way when we bought a huge house in the suburbs. I hate suburbs - was raised in the suburban landscape of parental abandonment. But its what you do right - American Dream. Her and I were selling our home in the city and wanted a large condo or apartment on the coast. Real Estate agent convinced us not to rent, even though we both wanted rent. Best investment, long term security -all that. Her and I are still embarrassed we got talked into it. We bought some plastic castle we did not want. Her pick was my no 2, My pick was her no 2. Guess which one we bought? Dumb, not like it would have made a difference though - entire concept was something neither wanted.

Defined who I am? Feel like I covered it in first round, if not, let me know otherwise.

And let me start this for you.....

From what you have said, I feel as though the whole marriage was about control.

I think that the act of marriage itself, was the control to stop the see-saw affect that the previous on again/off again had been the entire time that you have known each other.

Basically....

If we are married, then the bleeding (on/off) will stop...

Close ???

Maybe a component, don't think so and not on my end, not on hers to my knowledge. I don't recall either of us feeling that we should marry to never be apart again, but read my answer.

I truly did not want to marry her when we did, but at a later time. I was quite happy just being in love with her as two people. I did not feel either of us had enough time back with one another and enjoying one another. She wanted a child and maybe more - I certainly wanted one, perhaps more. She believed we should be married to have kids, I agreed somewhat, but thought all of of it could have sat a couple more years. I was not even sure M was for me anymore back then. At some point, I came to believe that if any couple could make M work it was us. So, not that I was all against it, but once I believed it I was excited. So, I don't regret the M, I would rather not loose the M, but if there was a control victory there I do believe it was her opinion over mine. She has apologized profusely for this when we first S'ed. Told me as she was walking out that if we had not M'ed way may still be together. I remained unconvinced that it mattered given that we did M and here we are. I have not heard anything about it since Feb '16. If anything now, she has referred to me as her H a number of times in dealing with school administrators, which surprises me, but I do not comment or think anything about it other than to note that it was an occurrence of something she said.

Look up a poster....LostforWords

Read him...

Then tell me what you think...

???

Will not forget. Please bare with me on time - I have a whole lot of moving parts right now - any life with two graduate studies course injected into it becomes congested. At least my attitude is better this go round. Less stressed and less pressure on myself/from myself to be the best.

My point, however round the mulberry bush that we go, is that interpretation relies on the reader due to the script being set in stone. Interpretation will ebb and flow, much like life, throughout any perusal of information that we may take.

Example...

The 5LL book. I ALWAYS recommend reading it twice. Usually when a person first gets here, and then again after a few months. The first read tends to be more of a " how I F'ed this up" manual, while the second read is way more insightful into the personal side....how you give, receive, etc...

Same book, two views...
Interpretation is also left to the reader, in order to formulate opinions, and stimulate the imaginary into reality. Not only could I, but I should be able to read the same things as you, yet we reach different arenas.

OK, I just realized where we are differing here, at least to me and hopefully this will help for you too. So, yes, In what you said in the excerpt about I agree in full. Where I think the difference of opinion for me comes in: So to me we are in a version of a chat room. I do not view active exchanges as reading per se. I view this as a conversation with the difference being that we are not "in person" so in the context of this room, while an effort is (maybe, certainly for me) made to ensure that language is chosen as best as it can be, it is still an active conversation. Thereby, things maybe written similarly to spoken words - we can blurt, think we explained it, think we missed it, i.e. it may be careful, but not as careful as an author would be with a text. Here, just like in conversation, we have the ability to say "what did you mean by that", for clarity, and thus for clarity the opportunity to explain - because this place is a conversation minus the body language to help us. Now, if I (or anyone) look back upon threads from 7/8/9 years ago, that may seem like reading as the opportunity to seek clarity from the writer may have been lost while the opportunity to seek clarification from other interpreters remains. Yes/no...?

Another reason I asked about opinions being receptive to you....

In life, yes, you are a leader, a student, a Father...all of those things...

But is that how you define yourself ?

Certainly the above are components of my definition, but I am more than the sum of my parts.

What defines you as being a great leader ?

I am not sure I get to define that. I know I am good at it because I know the relationships I have with the people I lead. I have awards on my wall. I have money in my budget. I have knowledge of what technique I apply with whom and when. I do not lead by the seat of my pants or by ignoring my training. Natural leaders do not exist, your teeth are cut somewhere. So, what I know - my people show me and tell me what they think of me from the bottom up and the top down. These things indicate a feeling beyond respect for my position.

Student ?

I listen closely to what I am being assigned to accomplish as it pertains to the topic being studied. I do what and how it is asked and I do it on time. And, participation.

Father ?

Again, do I define that I am great here? I hope I'm great. People tell me I am. I do my best to be consistent with the values he requires and that I want to educate. I speak positively of his mother always, even when he asks difficult things. I share my passions with him. I do not try to be his friend or the cool dad, but I am not the distant or angry dad I was a year ago. I show through actions what I ask him to be. And he tells me I am great, which is really the only compliment worth a dmn in this world; he may not always think that - I hope so though.

How do you separate the roles ?

I wish I could leave work at work, but I am paid to remain on call - I do keep boundaries for it though and I do not violate them. That said, the only work problems I bring home are the physical fatigue, the stress no. School, I set time aside in specific blocks. Not sure I do separate being a dad, but I do have "self time" on my weekend day W/ him. We both get to do things as individual down time and are not to do more than know the other is near by. We may both end up napping or I may read and he may play, etc.

How do you lead at work as opposed to home ??

No home to lead these days. Just a self to improve and a son to raise. Bills on time, lights are on, walk dog regularly, make bed daily, keep a clean place, and never ever under any circumstances allow 1980's glam rock to be played in my apartment.