How do/did you guys discuss practicalities like kids visitation with your MLCers? I just had yet another one hour conversation without any outcome. Should I just give up and live like a single mother accepting from time to time that the father sees my children?
A few days ago, I asked H via e-mail to think about financial agreement and what he plans to do with the kids. Today, when he came and asked if there is stuff he could take like towels, sheets, bathroom rugs etc. as he has nothing in his new apartment and he sleeps on the floor (it was his choice to rent unfurnished apartment but I did give him some stuff and offered a mattress that he could sleep on) I asked him if he already thought about it and when we can discuss. He asked what I would like to discuss. I started by saying that for example I think the kids allowances should now come to me and not to him since they live with me. He asked if this is a divorce settlement discussion. I said that it's not to which he replied that he is only willing to discuss things like that as part of the divorce settlement.
He said many other things which were quite hurtful as they showed how much he "cares" about the kids. I am at the stage when he can say to me whatever about me and it does not leave any mark on me anymore but when he is not taking into consideration their feelings it upsets me very much. Luckily he had to take kids to tennis so told him we will discuss when they come back.
When he came back I told him that I do not like being given conditions like that especially that for several months I left him completely alone and did not ask for anything. He said the divorce is what he wants so he is only willing to discuss in that context. I told him that he can indeed do what he wants but that I am not going to file for divorce. And that if he feels like there is no need to discuss his contribution to raising kids whether financial or contribution in time spent with them that he can leave.
He stayed, said he will look into those allowances and will let me know. If I wanted to, I could just inform my employer that my H no longer lives in the same household and it will be automatically sent to me. I did not do that, instead asked him nicely.
He told me he will check at his work what would happen if he did not live in the same household (if !!!) and will let me know his position. I did not want to be arrogant and tell him that his position is not important on that as they are established rules, so I agreed to wait.
He was happy that we found an agreement and wanted to leave. I asked if he could stay few more minutes to discuss other points. "What other points?!" I explained nicely that it's not very convenient for us that he comes when he wants because we need to plan our time and that often even when he says he will come to cook dinner then he comes right after lunch instead, leaves one hour after his arrival and has no intention to cook any dinner. Also that when he makes plans with kids I usually use that time to make plans with my friends so if then he does not show up it's a problem not only in relation to kids (most important) but also to me and my friends. He said he will let me know from now on if his plans change.
To my question how often he would like to see them he did not really say anything. He just said that I need to communicate to him if I want him to be with kids (so I guess it's my responsibility now to make plans for him with them? Only so he can tell me then that I decide on everything and just impose it on him?). The only concrete thing he said was that he will not alternate in the house, neither live nearby, that those were proposals he made a year ago, I did not agree then so now he will do as he wants (it was 2 and a half years ago, we were still living in the same house and one day he wanted to leave and another he wanted to work on the marriage so I never really disagreed, neither agreed.). He said that the only reason why we are separating is that I always decided on everything and he was just an executor of tasks/service provider (huge re-writing of history) and that now it's only understandable that he does what he wants.
I said that in my opinion kids are 50% his responsibility and therefore I am the service provider if he only sees them 2-5 hours a week. Long story short, whatever I said his responses were something completely off and we did not conclude on anything. Then he told me I have to get used to the fact that I will not reach my objectives I set for myself for different discussions. That it happens in life.
He is so arrogant in his responses. A few times I was bitting my tongue not to tell him that if he wants to behave like this he cannot come to the house (or only at pre-agreed times) and not to interact with me, just with the kids.
One more thing worth to mention in relation to kids sharing, when I said that if he does not want to agree between ourselves and goes to the judge instead then the judge will decide on what's best for the interest of the kids and that it may be for example us alternating in the house (kids absolutely want to stay in the house which I understand and fully support, they should not pay the price. And I would still see them everyday as I would make that happen - if they wanted to, of course.). To this he said that no judge will decide against wishes of the kids and he knows they will say they want to stay with me. Not trusting him and suspecting the worst of him these days, I wonder if that's what his game is. That he just wants to be free to have his new life and new family and does not want to be bothered..
I'm so tired of all this. I'm starting to think that it was much better when he saw kids only for an hour twice a week. Definitely better for me!
Btw, he refused the mattress offer as he said he decided he wants to do it differently (go and buy it today) and he wants to do thing as he chooses not what I impose (!) on him...
Other than that, I'm very nervous about my health situation. Had several tests done last week as retina specialists suspect I may have toxoplasmosis and that is why I had the problem with my eye (still do but at least I can wear lenses now so I can function more-less fine. It's very difficult for me with glasses, I have very strong correction and glasses distort everything I look at.). I'm on antibiotics while waiting for results. If it's confirmed, it will mean many weeks on antibiotics. If it's not then the search will have to continue. And I just hope it's nothing more serious...
