MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

AJM, I am definitely no Pele, but I did try a few Ronaldinho dance moves after schooling her once or twice. Loved his obvious joy in playing the game. That's what its all about though...enjoying what you do? If you enjoy something, it makes the hard work involved that much more meaningful as it will help you reach a positive goal.

Esame, I'm glad you found my post helpful. I worry that I get too rambling and wordy...a ptsd thing left over from H and his friends (my old social group). Looking back I realize he no longer had patience for my "stories", and when he would ask how my work day went or hear me say "so guess what happened", he started telling me I had to tell him in two minutes or less. With the social group, I realized they didn't really want to hear about the movie I watched or the book I read or the artist I found. I got the uninterested grunt or searching look somewhere past my face or behind them..."moving on"...because it didn't really interest them. So, I'm glad it wasn't a worthless ramble.

So, journaling and catchup time. I'm back to work and people are commenting on how much happier I seem. I'm back to being able to focus on work and not just on getting through it. I think I'm getting over my shell-shock from BD finally. It really was an effort to get through the days last year (one day, hour, minute at a time) and I spent a lot of time thinking of H. I felt it in my gut all day long. I still do think of him and miss the old him and I internalize confrontations with Bubbles. But everything since I last talked to him over a month ago has...faded.

So, assessment time.

1) I have two friends from work who have proven to be amazingly insightful and supportive. One former work-mate who has continued to be a very reliable friend. And two ladies I met through meetups have literally helped me to discover my worth again. I knew I was co-dependent on H, but now realize how deep I had dug that hole and how that depth had blocked my view of not only the sun, but my view of all the remarkable possibilities on the surface surrounding the hole! I now know I wasted a lot of time on trying to be his everything and making him be mine. I can at least answer the question "what do YOU want to do?" with authentic answers now. And...they will keep CHANGING as I think of new things! I have people in my life who get the big eyes now when I tell them a plan and then...THEY ASK TO JOIN ME!!! Will wonders never cease?

2) On that note, I need some guy friends. Most of my friends before were guys. I feel the need to enjoy football games WITH others and my female friends are self assured enough to tell me that totally does not interest them. I also just miss that. I hung out more with guys than girls before I was married, just as friends, and as amazing as my female friends are, I really am missing that. I'm not ready to date and I'm of the belief (for me) that as long as I'm still married dating is a no-no. But I miss having guys around. So, I'm signed up to do some volunteering with my running club to actually get to know people (I tend to hang with my friends and not branch out during runs) and I plan on staying later and enjoying a beer after my friends have left. More guys than gals in the club (which is a very large club, so easy to be anonymous). Its a start.

3) Had an interesting interaction while picking up some prints of a few paintings. I only display my work at H's office and sell from there and a few things on Etsy. This man who was also waiting for his art prints (they were actually huge posters) turned out to be a popular photographer. He saw my prints and was very excited about them. He took my card and had promised to contact some places on my behalf that show art during our arts events and I actually got contacted! So now I'm preparing some work to show at places with a lot more traffic. Fun!

4) Got my next pre-req approved by the institution I'm applying to, so I can start that class in a week. Still procrastinating on the two essays in my application, but I will try to complete them in the next two weeks. I am a grade A procrastinator, but the application is due in January.

5) I've been sort of feeling like a balloon floating along about my next mediation. It was supposed to be this Monday, but then the mediator cancelled, so now it is the following week. I haven't talked to H and have no idea what to expect. I guess it doesn't matter. Its a business deal at this point, and I'm in a good position. I can be light and breezy even in a mediation at this point.

6)I was asked by one of H's office ladies to meet for drinks this week, and two others joined us. I've sort of kept up...we were all friends before this happened. It was interesting because all three were looking at me expectantly most of the time. I had to ask them how they were each in turn to just have a conversation. Not what I expected. I was asked AGAIN if I was really going through with the plan to go back to school. Is that so strange? I get the feeling that people think I'm doing it to prove something to H or be manipulative. I'm doing it for me! And I want to support myself in a way that I'm comfortable with. Found myself explaining why I went to school 30 years ago...it wasn't to be an art major. It was to be a psychiatrist. I actually got through to them (they didn't know that about me). I also got the impression that, although I know they care and are concerned about me and are reaching out (they are disgusted with H and blame ALL of this on their work mate Bubbles) I also get the feeling anything I'm saying is being reported right back to H. So, he didn't come up in the convo.

Anyway, that's my, as per usual, wordy update. Off to live my life on a beautiful Saturday!