Go Tim, Go Tim! It's your birthday....oh wait, that was last week. LOL
Seriously great job on the Easter festivities; you rocked on filling her tank.
I had another thought re: your wheels situation. I don't think that another car is all that necessary, but THEM getting their license is of the utmost importance. If they had their license, then when they had something to do or somewhere to go, they could just get in your car and GO. You and W would be left at home to.....uh, whatever you felt like! (you know, do dishes and stuff..)
And the kids would be responsible for driving each other around and picking each other up. I know that's how it worked in my household growing up. I am one of five kids, so there were of course not that many vehicles to go around and we had to...gasp!...share!!!! (a foreign concept to modern day kids) There would be sticky situations but they could also get rides from their friends, if they needed it. The important thing here is that your W needs to absolve herself from Taxi Duty, as well as Laundry Duty, at least for them. They are adults now!
Hang in there, I have a feeling that she is steeling herself towards the day when she gives up control over their lives. She is making baby steps!
Hiya, Tim. Sounds like you were the AOS King on Easter weekend. We guys know what that's like. It's called being p-whipped. But, because it's for a good reason, filling her love tank, it's okay. Oh come on, we both know what the REAL reason is.
I find that I'm just expected to do these AOS's and if I don't do them, I get criticized. If I do them, then, well, they get done. Occasionally I'll get the kudos, but mostly, it just means that life goes on maybe a bit more smoothly.
Hairdog, under-sexed, under-appreciated, over-worked, and over to the left....up a bit....ahhhhhh....right there.
Hairdog, in my case, W has stated that her PRIMARY LL is AOS, so I'm testing that theory. Is AOS your W's primary LL? Maybe not. That might explain the indifferent results you experience. I'm not sure on this... if I don't "get any" this week, then I'll start to think maybe AOS is NOT so "important" to W. We'll see.
Try to give your wife a bit more time... a week is hardly enough time for her to truly believe you have become a changed man....
Don't slam your head against a wall when I say this, but shoot for a month. Look at what ONE DAY did for you. Look at the response you got from her from just ONE DAY. I'm sure if you were getting sex on a regular basis, those warm kisses from her at the end of the day would have gone a long way in filling up your love tank.
Think of this as filling up your tank bit by bit. Don't put the kabosh on the whole thing because the tank wasn't entirely 'filled,' after all the objective isn't to just 'get some,' but to make lasting and permanent change to your marriage so that the two of you keep each other's tanks from ever hitting empty.
Oh, Corri... you KNOW I'm not really that hard-headed. I won't be packing up my toys and heading home after only one week, I won't be letting go of my efforts to fill up HER love tank so quickly. I'm just hoping that SHE will have made enough of the same "right" connections that she'll be wanting to "reward" me for "getting it right". I do NOT require "the full deal".. just something where I can see she's making the effort to do "something special" for me in return for the "special treatment" I'm giving her.
From AtlantaDave's "Assertion" thread post:
Quote: In general, I just need to be patient. She assures me that she loves me very much and that it will "turn" around. She admitted to being in her "old habits". I guess I would like to see a visible effort like I'm making.
I think that VERY MUCH describes my own sitch. I DO realize I need to be patient, and keep up my own efforts. I'm just hoping that within a fairly short time-frame I'll be able to see some visible results as well...
Quote: As we were saying goodnight, she was like "Thank you-thank you-thank you for helping so much today", and her kisses were extra warm.
Bud, you are learning a LOVE LANGUAGE, not a new system of barter and trade.
Quote: .. just something where I can see she's making the effort to do "something special" for me in return for the "special treatment" I'm giving her.
Special treatment means you are going above and beyond the call of duty. Love Language is something you learn and do for the sole benefit of your spouse... always, as much as much as you are able, because you want to love them in a way that is meaningful TO THEM.
A bit of caution. Try not to make setting the table your habitual Act of Service. It will lose it's meaning. Find new and different ways to provide her with AOS so that you are never, ever predictable. Familiarity breeds contempt, hm? You will come to expect that 'this AOS,' will get me 'this.' You are back to bartering, and will eventually come to resent that your AOS is not getting you what you want.
That is not the point.
Now, once a certain period of time has passed, and her love tank is overflowing... you can then approach her with a request of your own. She is always going to want to 'give' to you with an AOS, because she knows how to do that. You are stretching yourself to learn her language so you in turn can teach her YOURS.
Example. Honey, remember on Easter when you thanked me for all my help? That made you feel really good, didn't it? It made me feel great to be able to make you feel good in a way that would be meaningful to you.
The same way that my noticing where you need help, and pitching in without you having to ask makes you feel good and loved, is the same way my ML to you makes me feel good and loved. Do you think you can work with me and try to ML sometime this week (or shoot for the 'do you think you can work with me to ML twice a week?)
But I'd wait a good month or so before striking up this particular conversation. It could very well be that you won't need to initially...
Believe it or not, I do get it that doing an AOS LL thing is not just "doing chores" but going over the top to do something special. In this case, it wasn't "setting the table", it was spending the WHOLE DAY being attentive to her every need - making sure things got done when they needed to without having to be asked or reminded, and being cheerfully willing to do whatever she asked. It made for a VERY smoothly-running afternoon. I do KNOW just how much she appreciated it, especially since it was fairly out-of-character for me. It's the "grand gesture" that makes it a LL fill-up. I see that now.
I'm grinnin' this morning! W and I didn't actually ML last night, but what we DID was almost as good, and definitely was a minor love-tank fill-up for me. I can't do it justice in the short time before I have to leave for work, but I'll post it a bit later, and I'll be posting it in the "Super Success Stories" thread. Not sure if it's coincidence or what, but SO FAR, I would have to say my experiment is definitely paying dividends.
I just hope I can discover some ways to make "small" love-bank deposits for W, that when added together would equal some of the "Grand Gesture" opportunities I've had lately. We only have so many rooms to paint!
She has said her secondary LL is Words of Affirmation. Not to seem dense, but can someone give me some examples of this?
I can't do it justice in the short time before I have to leave for work, but I'll post it a bit later, and I'll be posting it in the "Super Success Stories" thread. Not sure if it's coincidence or what, but SO FAR, I would have to say my experiment is definitely paying dividends.
