Whew... I just took a deeeeep breath as I added the threads and started this. I can't believe that it has been almost a year! The whirlwind is calm, for the most part. Things are settling and falling into place. I am not exactly where I want to be (in my physical location), however it has greatly improved.
It is really nice to see some "old friends" popping in... and for the newbies, well... my heart goes out. I still find it difficult to really look at those posts. I suffered such PTSD, that in a way I had to close that chapter. Bam! Closed! However, I wish I could come back and help, as others have for me. Moderators may tell me to scram! Who knows what kind of advice I would have!
Last time I posted, I was in the process to close on the refi of my house. Last minute, I hit the breaks, put it up for sale and bought a new one in a different town. Although I'm not nearly as adventurous as my dear friend, Shining, I went to the place that was best for the fam. In the town I grew up, work, have family in, and where my d15 transferred schools to.
I can't tell you the relief I have felt from being away from the town with all the negativity and the chance of bumping into someone... cuz we know how that went down...
Once I moved away, I became wide-openingly aware of the intensity if felt every day living there. I have found that my adrenaline was pumping 24/7. Every time I left the house, I was white-knuckling the steering wheel, in anticipation of running into a situation that would... well... whatever. Anyway, I don't have that anymore. However, my body has suffered serious adrenal fatigue as a result! What!? Well, I'm good, healing, dealing. MLC will really take a toll on everyone involved.
Haven't had a convo w xh in about a year and a half. Weird, right? I mean, its not bc I don't want to and have no reason to. But When you spend more than half your life with someone and think it would get to that, its hard to imagine. But, I wouldn't want it any other way at this point.
Very seldom, but once in a great while, I get the, "wth are you doing???" when I see him. For example, when I was packing up getting ready to move (he must have found out via his bro who lived next door and saw the sign), I texted him that I had some of his things (like birth cert, and import docs). I could have tossed them, bc wth do I care? But, I have really tried to take the high road. He was over in a few minutes to get them. I met him in the driveway, hand it to him and kept moving... I was busy! He kept trying to talk to me and ask questions. Clearly, I am in such as different place. I don't want to engage and don't even get it anymore. It was like a stranger asking me personal questions. I think my reactions was such. And he asked me this.. "Do you have the Army video?" OMG, you guys! He asked me for an Army 3 min recruiting video that was taped when we lived in Alaska. He wasn't even in it. And it was from like 2 decades ago. And who has a VHS player? And... what???? He didn't ask for one thing from the kids, any of the pictures... NOTHING from them! All the stuff they've made him... like nothing. He has NO childhood pics from my kids... No pics at all! Wow. That was... hmmmmm.... unexpected.
The day we moved, he drove by so slowly... checking things out. It was weird.
I mention these things because I very, very, very rarely see him. Have no communication with him, and don't really think about him. So when I see this from him, its just... weird.
I saw him this week for the first time in months at d15 vball game. We made eye contact for a quick sec and he sat on the other side. Thankfully. Then, I turned around later and saw he was sitting behind me, up a few rows. Again, weird.
I can't believe I actually spent this much time even typing about him bc he is so insignificant in my life now. But, I guess bc he is the reason I came here, and its always interesting (for lack of a better word) watching the choices and behaviors of a MLCer.
There are other bits and pieces, but really... who cares...
D15 is doing well. She sees him occasionally. She saw the baby (now prob a year and a half!) once for a second. Hasn't really talked about it. She is busy with school, sports, and friends.
S19 is off to college. I can't believe how much he has grown in the past few months. He is right back on track of being the young man he was prior to bd. It took him a bit to come around, but boy, can I relate.
He does not speak to xh at all. He ran into xh in the grocery store one day. Xh was pushing a cart with the the little girl and xhh's son. S19 found out right then that he had a "little sister" as he said. Up to about two months ago (that day), he didn't even know the gender of the baby. I think that was a lot for him. Seeing his dad in that role, with other kids. He even said to me, "Mom, I can't think of a time when he ever took just me and [d15] to the store."
Whatever, people tell me sometimes about seeing xh and the two kids all over. Well, I don't know why people think I want to hear bout it, but... whatever. And I know his style- and that ain't it. He must be miserable.
He looks it.
I'm good. My new house is- MINE! My job is going well. Still working other jobs too. Still with NG. It's been over a year now. We don't live together or anything, but I see him a few times a week. My kids really like him and he is good to me.
My dad is off the wagon... totally. And it is def affecting my parents' relationship- again. Sorry that they divorced when I was young bc of it, and now... blah....
I have a very new perspective on life. And I've found a lot of my old self, which was buried and almost forgotten and left for dead!
Man, I feel like this post is so Debbie-downer-ish... and I totally don't mean it to be. I think maybe bc I have gone to a place I don't really go. talking about a negative thing in my life. BUT... that negative thing turned my life around to the most positive thing it could have ever been and that is my current life, my outlook on life, the revival of myself, and my future!
Thanks to those here who have helped me along the way! I will post to some of my friends here soon. I will try today, but what I have found is that I can only do certain things in sorter spans now... I know, I am a weird-o. That hasn't changed.
