Quote: However, if your score really IS that low, are you SURE you want to consider divorce? If it were me, that score might cause me to re-think things.
Oh. Sorry. After I wrote that, I went and read your latest post in the "LD/Desire" thread. I retract. Although it occurs to me you can't POSSIBLY have such a low score, if your H is really like that...
Quote: So what does she 'nag' you about? Does she like you washing the cars? Mowing the lawn? Taking out the garbage? What? If she doesn't nag you about doing things, what does she nag you about?
Corri
Okay, I STILL don't know what she nags me about, but here is one thing I've come to realize:
Major difference between me and W. The scene is the two of us sitting on the couch in the evening, watching TV. I'll replay this scene twice, once for each of us, to show how we each handle the sitch. The trigger is, one of us needs a kleenex, and they are in the other room. Me first:
Tim needs a kleenex: (tim gets up and gets himself a kleenex)
W needs a kleenex: W: "Honey, can you get up and go get me a kleenex please?"
Of course, I didn't "just notice this"... that'd be pretty dense of me. This has been true FOREVER... since the VERY earliest days of our R. If I need something, I'll get up and go get it. If she needs something, she'll ask ME to go get it, often with a whiny sound to her voice. In my belief system, if I were to ask her to get me something, I would be maltreating her - treating her as a servant, and not respecting her as a human being. I don't usually resent her asking me for "service" like this, but SOMETIMES I have to admit I DO. The epiphany came last night... she had put the tea kettle on, and had gone to make her tea. She was having a hot-cross bun (home-made earlier in the week) with it. She knows that I will always have a dessert like that when she does, and she was in the process of getting it for me. When I knew it was almost prepared, I came into the kitchen to pour my own milk and bring the bun and milk into the LR.
W: I would have brought it for you. Me: I know... W: Well, why didn't you just wait? Me: I don't like to make you bring it... that's "mean"
I was half-joking, but ONLY half. I DO believe this... I am NOT an AOS-oriented person, and not only does it NOT do anything for me on the love-scale, but it makes me uncomfortable as well. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not ALWAYS as anal about these things, and yes, there ARE times when I allow her to do these things, but I always feel like she resents it. Like, "I do all the housework, and you also want me to do THIS for you?" Probably MY hangup...
Okay, Tim, let's run this through the Corri translator:
Keep in mind, this isn't about YOU.
Quote: W needs a kleenex: W: "Honey, can you get up and go get me a kleenex please?"
She is inviting you to do something for her that she will VALUE. So instead of you rolling your eyes, or letting out a SIGH as you get up, look at her and say, "oh, of course, I can't believe I didn't notice, I'm sorry." And go get her a Kleenex. And as you hand it to her, ask her if she's okay, is there anything else you can get her? (in a concerned voice.).
Listen to yourself:
Quote: This has been true FOREVER... since the VERY earliest days of our R.
She's been trying to communicate to you in her language for years, and you've been missing it. Of course you will get up and do for yourself, because it doesn't occur to you to do otherwise. But that is YOU. If her primary love language is Acts of Service, you getting up to do something she requests of you is like her responding enthusiastically to a deep, passionate kiss. Get it? It may mean nothing to you, but to her, it means everything. And keep in mind, it doesn't HAVE to mean anything to you, it might even bother the heck out of you, but TO HER the two of you are emotionally connecting.
Keep in mind that your 'annoyance' at a request of hers may be the same feeling SHE has when you make a move on her, you know? So this is a two-way street.
HOT CROSS BUNS SCENARIO:
Quote: W: I would have brought it for you. Me: I know... W: Well, why didn't you just wait? Me: I don't like to make you bring it... that's "mean"
SHE was doing something for you. SHE was expressing love for you. When you got up to get your own, she interpreted that as a criticism, just as you would interpret her 'huffing' when you caress her.
So, the next time this happens, and she says, 'well, I would have done that for you,' which actually means, 'What? What am I doing wrong?" You can say to her, "honey, I KNOW you would have gotten it for me. [Kiss her on the cheek.] I just thought I'd help you out is all. I like helping you, okay?"
See? You in turn are telling her that, no, nothing is wrong, and in the process, you are confirming your love for her by helping her.
If you are the type who likes to do for himself, you are going to have to 'get over' that feeling to allow your wife to express herself in a way she knows how, and then 'shower' her with appreciation, words of affirmation and affection when she does something for you.
It is YOUR discomfort, just as you will deal with HER discomfort when you ML. You are willing to deal with her discomfort in ML if you know that she will keep going, if she will learn to 'receive' from you in a way that means one heck of a lot to you.
Only too much sense, Corri. You know, I HATE it when you're right (just kidding...). Yes, in fact I already knew what you were going to say when I posted that. And you already know JUST how difficult this assignment is going to be for me, don't you? So, okay, I will try an experiment. For the next two weeks, I will scrupulously watch for these kinds of opportunities, on both sides, and I will respond as you have suggested, and I will watch as carefully as I can for whatever feedback I get. I will probably need you to help me interpret such feedback, since as you already know, I'm something of a klutz in this area...
Thank you Corri because this applies to me too. My W is forever calling for me from far flung corners of the house (often while I am busy working) and expects me to come running usually for something trivial that she could have done herself. If I need something I just do it or I seek her out if I need her help. I would never shout her name and expect her to come to me. Of course on those occasions when she brings me a cup of tea instead of asking me to make it, should I see it as a sign of love and not just a cuppa? SD
Quote: Of course on those occasions when she brings me a cup of tea instead of asking me to make it, should I see it as a sign of love and not just a cuppa?
I'd equate this gesture on her part the same way you would equate a short but tender kiss.
Good opportunity for eye contact and non-verbal communication when she hands you the tea.
Yesterday I got another opportunity for a Huge AOS "attack" on W, and I did NOT blow it. We had, as I had mentioned, enough people over so that there were 15 people and an infant for supper (yes, the infant was also a person! ). 5 kids under 10. Big day. So all afternoon, I was everywhere at once - getting leaves for the table, setting the table, clearing the table, loading and running the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher and putting away, setting the table again, scrounging for chairs, and after supper, the biggie... I tried to get W to sit down and relax while I did the dishes. W didn't go for that one, but I did stay and dry... and kept right up with her, dish for dish, and even got MIL to sit down and stop hovering with her own dishcloth. Then, after all that, taking-down the table, putting chairs away, tidying up, etc. Plus being johnny-on-the-spot with whatever other errands she asked for.
As we were saying goodnight, she was like "Thank you-thank you-thank you for helping so much today", and her kisses were extra warm. So I know I scored a good one - made her feel loved. Hoping I'll get to post something in "Super Success Stories" sometime this week...
I scored a 40 on that Dr. Phil test
). 5 kids under 10. Big day. So all afternoon, I was everywhere at once - getting leaves for the table, setting the table, clearing the table, loading and running the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher and putting away, setting the table again, scrounging for chairs, and after supper, the biggie... I tried to get W to sit down and relax while I did the dishes. W didn't go for that one, but I did stay and dry... and kept right up with her, dish for dish, and even got MIL to sit down and stop hovering with her own dishcloth. Then, after all that, taking-down the table, putting chairs away, tidying up, etc. Plus being johnny-on-the-spot with whatever other errands she asked for.