The seed beneath the bitter snows is me!

[2Times2Many]

HaWho, thanks for the shout out. I'm doing ok I suppose. H comes back in about 4 days and I always get antsy beforehand. I'm wondering if he's come up with a counter-proposal to my D proposal. My manipulation, sweet-talk, lie detector is on high.

I haven't had much interaction with H. I've pretty much been dark except for the weekday calls to the office. I get my business "report" out of the way and try to wrap things up quickly.

I've been quite busy at the office. I've been putting together a "how-to" file for all the tasks I do (bookkeeping, payroll, tax payments, etc.) It never really occurred to me before just how much I do that no one else here knows how to do. Some know bits and pieces, but that's the extent ... just bits and pieces. When I'm done, anyone in the office (who I give access to my file) should be able to do everything I do short of signing a check.

It's been kind of a downer doing all that, but I honestly just don't see any outcome to all this other than a D and the more I think about that and the person H has become, the more I realize that D is actually in my best interest.

H could come home tomorrow and make every apology under the sun, but I just can't imagine him ever convincing me he wanted to come back for any reason other than money and what I bring to the business. That's a pretty lousy foundation for a relationship and looking back over the past few years, it seems that his been "his" foundation. I want (and deserve) more.

His lying has become outrageous and non-stop, not only to me but to our operations manager (and she is on to him). I honestly wonder if he's even capable of telling the truth anymore. And he lies so effortlessly over absolutely stupid stuff. It's as though he actually believes what he's saying to be the truth. I ask myself if I could ever fully believe him again ... trust that he's being honest with me, and I just don't see it happening. I fear there would always be this tiny seed of doubt lurking in my mind or that some innocent little thing would send my mind into a tailspin making me think he's being dishonest when he wasn't. Again, not a good foundation to build on.

And since this is our second go-round with this kind of stuff (MLC Part 2), I can't imagine ever living a day with him when I didn't fear he'd just do all this again. I can see myself with this constant worry that he'll do it again 6, 7, 8 years from now. I don't want to live that way.

There are so many other things that I just can't imagine doing or feeling with him again. He's done so much damage that I question how I could ever get past it all. There's just so much there. It's overwhelming to me.

And then, there's the drugs and the anger control issues. I actually talked to my IC yesterday about not doing anything to "poke the bear" because I was afraid of bringing that anger to the surface.

I just don't need, nor do I want, all that in my life.

So, I'm getting things in order to leave him. The how-to files at the office are so there isn't a great deal of disruption there. Our employees are great people and I don't want my and H's personal issues to adversely impact them. They don't deserve that.

That's where things stand at the moment.

H's visit should be interesting. I'm ready ... just not looking forward to dealing with him.

Other than all that, I find myself wanting to just be a vegetable ... wanting to just sit and think ... without a great deal of motivation to do anything else. I suppose it's normal. This whole thing saddens me. But I force myself to get up, get moving, get out of the house. Some days, it's tough. Then I think I can't be "up and on" all the time, given the circumstances, so I try to cut myself some slack and give in to the "lack of motivation" sometimes - feel the sadness and learn to let it go. The most important thing, though, is I know this won't last forever and I am going to be fine and happy again.

In the meantime, I love college football and the season has started, so the distraction is most welcome each Saturday. It's kind of hard to veg out when my favorite team in on the screen.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
2T